"How will the kids react? Will my daughter start acting up? Will it affect her schoolwork? How will her younger brother be affected? At less than 2 years old, will he feel this at all? Will he have difficulty with the adjustment period, and how long will it take to get into a new routine? Weeks? Months? Years? How long until things would go back to “normal”? These are just some of the questions running rampant in my head as I contemplate whether I should divorce my husband.
I love my husband. I really do. We have been together for 10 years, and he is a good man. But like a lot of marriages over time, things change. People change. And you start to see things differently.
The past year has been a tough one on us, although nothing serious. We moved, are currently renovating a house, and had some health issues within the family. They’re privileged issues, but it’s taken its toll on us. Recently, I had a serious conversation and told him I was going to give us one more try, now that a lot of the dust from the past year has settled. He wants to keep going. To him, there is nothing to be fixed, except on everyone else’s end. But it’s not the case for me as I consider whether I should divorce my husband.
I Feel Underappreciated
I try to do what’s best. What’s best for my family, always. And honestly, I feel it goes underappreciated, especially as I am the primary earner for my family. My husband is a stay-at-home dad, and yet, he constantly finds ways to complain about his daily life. I don’t want to undermine his struggle. But so often he vents about having so much responsibility, like grocery shopping and setting up appointments. He vents about how tough it is since our daughter is a high-needs child. He complains about how tough I can be.
I’ve told him when he is constantly complaining about the weight of our family, it makes me feel as though he regrets meeting me and having kids. He tries to tell me that’s not the case, but at a certain point, how much can a person hear and not feel like they’re the cause when you’re exactly who they’re complaining about?
I Think He’s Changed
I don’t really like the man my husband has become, as opposed to the one I fell in love with. The man I love has a fun side, is sweet, patient, and puts his heart and soul into everything he does, not just for himself, but for his family. But I don’t see that part of him anymore. He’s short-tempered, impatient, and raises his voice a lot. He never admits being wrong and constantly puts blame on others. I’m by no means saying that I’m perfect because trust me, I’m far from it. But I know who I am, and I know I am constantly trying to be better.
I Fantasize About Leaving Him
I fantasize about leaving him. About having time just for me and my kids. Most people would be scared about the enormity of such a decision, and on one hand I am, but mostly I am not. I think it would be OK and a relief, here’s why:
I’m the Primary Earner
For one thing, I’m not worried financially because I am the one who works. My husband doesn’t, which is what we agreed on before we got married.
I Have Support Nearby
And I’m not worried about support because I have my entire family close by who are willing to help out whenever I need them. They take and pick up the kids from school, help if I’m not feeling well, and are also generous in helping financially when needed.
I Would Seek Full Custody
And I’m not worried about custody because my husband knows I would want full custody. In the past, a few times when the subject of separating has come up, he has said he knows that I would want the kids full time, and he would allow it. He knows that would be best for everyone, and, though he would never admit it, I don’t think he would be capable of taking care of our two children on his own.
But I Worry I’m Not Strong Enough
But on the other hand, I’m terrified about what getting a divorce would mean. Would it mean I failed at marriage? Would it mean I failed as a wife? What would be the damage of all of this long-term? How would my kids, so young and sweet, handle such a major life change? And how would people in my small town react? I know they would be supportive, but I would also be concerned about them talking about me and my family, which I wouldn’t want for my children.
I worry that I will never be strong enough to make such a bold decision. There is a side of me that’s very strong. But my weaker side doesn’t like to be alone and is scared of what being alone means.
My Marriage Feels Like It’s in Limbo
I honestly feel in marriage limbo right now. Because we have stretches of time where we are absolutely fine—we laugh, take walks, have meaningful conversations, and are back in our old loving routine. And then there are long stretches where we fight, scream, and just can’t agree on anything. In those bad moments, I want out. I want out for good.
Are the Bad Moments Outweighing the Good?
There have been points during these bad stretches that I think, “Is this how I want my life to be?” I’m very lucky. I have a very good life. I don’t have to worry about money, a roof over my head, providing for children, and things that weigh on a lot of people. So if I have the chance to live such a good and fortunate life without worrying about things that most people have to stress about, understandably, why should I be living my life like this?
What’s Best for Our Family?
I don’t know what the future holds. I want to keep trying; I really do, but I’m not sure how much more I should pour into a marriage that might be ending. I try to be more understanding and get where he’s coming from. I’ve tried to be more patient. I really try to listen to him. And I feel that we never get anywhere. And I’m tired of trying. I’m so, so tired. I love my children more than my life and will do anything for them, but what is the right decision for them? What is the right decision for me? I truthfully don’t know, and I guess that’s what scares me most.