"When you envisioned your future, tied the knot, or planned to start a family, divorce was likely the furthest thing from your mind. And when you became a parent, chances are you never imagined having to create a co-parenting plan. As someone who provides divorce parent coaching, I understand the emotional heaviness that comes with navigating a divorce while also being a parent, especially when you’ve been a stay-at-home mom.
If you’re a stay-at-home mom considering divorce or facing divorce, you may be inundated with many thoughts and concerns. You might be wondering how to navigate the financial aspect of your new situation, how to ensure a stable and fulfilling life for your children, and what paths are available to you as you adapt to this significant life change. These are all valid and important considerations that many individuals in similar circumstances grapple with.
One of the first things you need to know is that this isn’t your fault, and you’re not alone. Marriages end for a number of reasons, but that doesn’t mean navigating this transition isn’t tough. There are a few things to think of if you’re considering divorce and tips once you’ve started the process. Our team consulted with two family law attorneys—Nicole Sodoma, a divorce attorney and author of Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry, as well as Danielle Walle, a family law attorney and parenting coordinator at Marcellino & Tyson—to glean valuable insights for individuals navigating divorce as a stay-at-home mom.
Nicole Sodoma, Managing Principal of Sodoma Law
Nicole Sodoma is a marriage-loving divorce attorney, author, and national authority on divorce and family law. Her book, PLEASE DON’T SAY YOU’RE SORRY, is a witty, honest and wildly relatable account of the stripped-down realities of marriage and divorce, incorporating her personal stories and (sometimes unbelievable) experiences as a family law attorney of more than 25 years.
Danielle Walle, Senior Associate Attorney
Danielle Walle is North Carolina-based family law attorney and parenting coordinator at Marcellino & Tyson.
For stay-at-home moms considering divorce
The decision to follow through with a divorce can be an emotional if not life changing event. You may need some guidance, especially if you have children involved. While this list isn’t exhaustive, there are a few priorities to put at the top if you are a stay-at-home mom considering divorce.
Understand your estate
Understanding finances can feel like an overwhelming process, especially if you are not the one managing it. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, Sodoma explains that the most important thing that you should be aware of and understand is the estate. “Having some sort of understanding is so much better than having your head in the sand.” This includes knowing all the assets you and your spouse have together, which can be properties, income, investments, savings, etc.
Sodoma also encourages having these conversations early in your relationship before the word ‘divorce’ comes into play. “You should always be an equal partner in your relationship, even if you’re a homemaker, because you’re still working,” says Sodoma. This can look like having a monthly meeting to discuss what your expenses are and what your current assets look like.
Have your own finances
Being a stay-at-home mom is not a monetarily paid profession. However, there are ways for you to navigate your own finances, even if you’re not the one bringing in a physical income. Building your own credit score is beneficial to you. If you plan on purchasing your first home or plan on being employed after a divorce, a good credit score can help you be able to make big purchases on your own.
The reasoning behind having your own checking account doesn’t have to be driven by divorce alone. It allows you to have financial independence while still being able to manage other accounts with a spouse or partner.
Try marriage counseling
If you’re still on the cusp of deciding if divorce is the path you and your partner would like to take, Sodoma says marriage counseling is an option. “There’s nothing that can come out of it but to gain insight.” Maybe it will create momentum in your marriage and strengthen it, or maybe it will give you the freedom to let go of a marriage that’s not right for you.
For stay-at-home moms getting divorced
Going through a divorce as a stay-at-home mom can be difficult. While marriage counseling can be beneficial, sometimes, what is best for you and your family is separation. Sodoma and Walle shared some important tips to keep in mind once you’ve started the process.
Find your own attorney to represent you
While couples can decide to use the same attorney, consider hiring your own. “You really need a second set of eyes that can really advocate only for you,” says Sodoma. You want someone with credibility and someone who fits your expectations. Sodoma adds, “[A shared attorney] will be limited to providing [information] when they need to speak with both parties. You’re really doing yourself a disservice [sharing one].”
When it comes to picking an attorney, it is not one size fits all either. The way one attorney works can look different compared to others. Finding one can be as simple as asking around in your social circle for recommendations, but this also means being specific with your questions when consulting with friends: What was the hardest part about your case? What was the most confusing? If the things your friend lists are what are most important to you in the process, then that attorney might not be best suited for you.
A few questions to ask when looking for an attorney
So, what questions should you be asking? Shopping for a divorce attorney means making sure your values and expectations align. Sodoma iterates, “A great law attorney should be addressing your problems right now, preparing you for your future, and [giving you] the adequate resources.”
- How do you bill for your services?
- How will I be able to navigate the payment process with my current financial situation?
- Are there any extra fees I should be aware of?
- What is your preferred method of communication? Is it email, phone, or in person?
- What is the turnaround time to receive a response from you?
- How do you schedule meetings?
- Is there a team of people (attorney, paralegal, standing assistant, etc.), or will I always be talking to the same person?
- How do most of your cases end?
Never sign anything without having a lawyer review it
Once it’s done, it’s almost impossible to undo. No one has to know you had a lawyer review any documents or agreements, but make sure you understand what you are giving up and what you may receive in return before you sign anything, recommended Walle.
Never deride the other parent to the child
Walle underscored keeping any negative comments about your soon-to-be ex to yourself. Deriding the other parent damages a child’s image of themselves, how they view their other parent, and you. It also can harm an outcome in court.
Always get child support
Always get child support, even if you don’t “need” it or use it, recommended Walle. Put it in a 529 college savings account. It’s for the benefit of the children, and single moms shouldn’t waive that right of their children just because it doesn’t feel necessary.
Planning for life after divorce
Going back to work after being a stay-at-home mom
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you require some additional financial help, there are numerous remote opportunities out there. While they might not be perfect, they can be crucial to gaining valuable experience. You’ve likely developed many valuable skills as a stay-at-home mom. The multitude of tasks you handle daily is truly impressive; consider how you can showcase this experience on your resume to highlight your capabilities.
Update your resume and consider taking relevant classes
Take the time to enhance and update your resume by including all the new skills you’ve acquired and your existing ones. Additionally, consider enrolling in relevant classes to refresh and update your skill set. Numerous affordable or accessible courses can help you boost your expertise and remain up-to-date in your industry.
Start networking
If you still need to join a professional networking platform, it’s a great idea to do so. Please remember the following advice: Networking is essential for uncovering valuable opportunities, many of which may stem from connections with individuals you may not even realize could be helpful. Overcome any apprehension and communicate openly about your job search. You can discover promising leads by initiating conversations and seeking recommendations within your existing network or by expanding it. Attend networking events to explore potential prospects further.
Keep an open mind
Set different expectations to protect your mental health. You may not want to, but sometimes, you must start at the bottom before returning to where you were. You have been out of the job force, so starting at a slower pace may be best. You may not be able to return to exactly where you left off, and that’s OK. Sometimes, it’s is the best place to start and learn the business, given all the possible changes that have occurred while you were raising your children.
Attending social outings as a single
The transition from participating in activities as part of a couple to engaging in single activities can be emotionally overwhelming and challenging. It is crucial to surround yourself with a supportive community. Finding your circle of people to lean on and depend on is essential during this time.
- Consider attending social gatherings tailored specifically for divorced individuals.
- Join groups designed for stay-at-home moms; they may offer a unique form of support that meets your current needs.
- Reevaluate your social network to align with your current life situation.
Co-parenting after divorce
As a divorced parent coach, I often see the struggle of parents dealing with their responsibilities. It’s important to know that it’s OK to split responsibilities evenly, and it’s also OK to take time off to take care of yourself. Many feel guilty about taking a break from parenting, but in reality, taking time to gather strength and focus on your mental health is essential for being the best parent you can be. You’re not taking a break from parenting; you’re taking a break to prepare yourself to be a better parent. It’s not easy to be a single mom and take on all responsibilities, but it’s important to remember to prioritize self-care.
Co-parenting involves making joint decisions and sharing responsibilities while still married. It’s important to work together to create a supportive environment for the children. Divorced parenting, however, requires navigating the challenges of parenting independently and co-parenting. Both situations have challenges, but with open communication and cooperation, you can successfully co-parent after divorce.
Beatrice (Bea) Moise, M.S., BCCS
Board-certified cognitive specialist, parenting coach, national speaker, and author of Our Neurodivergent Journey. Her UNIQUE parenting channel on YouTube is dedicated to educating individuals on neurodiversity.