Giving your baby the perfect name is a stressful decision. Does the name roll off the tongue well? Are there any potential horrible nicknames? Do you use a family name or go with just something you love? Will the name age well?
For a lot of parents, figuring out a child’s middle name isn’t as stressful as figuring out the first. Unless you’re using the middle name as part of a double-barreled name, it’s typically not used day-to-day.
But as someone who started going by her middle name instead of her first name later in life, here’s a piece of unsolicited advice if you’re thinking about calling your kid by their middle name: Don’t do it.
For background, my parents named me Jane Elliott after my grandmother, and for the first 18 years of my life, I went by Jane. I didn’t dislike my first name, but when I started applying to college with aspirations of becoming a writer, I decided that Elliott would be a “better” name for my dream job. I also wanted to break free from the nerdy, shy, and decidedly uncool girl I was in high school, and I thought going by Elliott could help me accomplish this.
It’s a decision I don’t regret in the slightest. But if you’re in a position where you want to call your child by their middle name, just go ahead and make it their first name.
Read on to learn more about the issues I’ve experienced using my middle name and thoughts to consider if you’re thinking about calling your baby by their middle name.
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Your name is your identity
When I started using my middle name instead of my first, I didn’t realize the implications it would have on my identity. That sounds silly, but I genuinely thought that I’d be fine hearing Jane at the doctor’s office. As time went on, I felt more and more disconnected from that name.
And when I got married, these feelings only intensified. Suddenly, my legal name was Jane Walker, but the name I identified with was Elliott Harrell. I often felt like I was living with dual identities, having to remember what combination of names I used to book reservations. One time, my husband ran through every potential combination—Jane Walker, Elliott Walker, Elliott Harrell—at a hotel, trying to figure out what I had booked the room under. Laughable? Yes. But also frustrating that legally I was one person while living as another.
The tipping point for me was after my second daughter was born. She came six weeks early, and my husband and I hadn’t picked a name, so she got labeled as “baby Walker” in the NICU. And I got labeled as Jane, despite telling nurse after nurse to call me Elliott. It felt disorienting and frustrating, but there was nothing I could do. Legally, that’s who I was, but I hadn’t identified with that version of myself in years.
It’s a lot of work to change your first name
Changing your last name is relatively easy, albeit a lot of paperwork. Nearly 70% of women change their last name after they get married, according to a recent YouGov survey.
But changing your first name is a different story. The name change process differs state-to-state, but I had to submit fingerprints to both the state and federal government for a background check, fill out a petition for the change, and get two people to write a character reference for me. After that was done, I had to post my petition to the courthouse bulletin board for ten days, come back to file the paperwork, and then wait for a judge to approve or deny my request.
And only then could I start the paperwork to change my Social Security card, driver’s license, passport, bank statements, legal documents, etc. All in all, it took about four months of work and several hundred dollars. Over a year later, there are still places I need to change my name, but the thought of more paperwork is making me procrastinate.
Consider why you want to use a middle name as a first name
I’ve seen situations where parents use a middle name because they feel like the name wouldn’t flow as well if it were the first name. It’s understandable. My husband and I spent lots of time figuring out the middle names for our two girls and wondering if the names “fit” well together.
There are other situations where I’ve seen a middle name used because a family is passing an exact name down as someone else who is still alive, and they don’t want to create confusion. Or some families have a naming tradition they follow, like calling an eldest daughter Mary or naming an eldest son after their father as a junior, third, etc.
The reality, though, is that there are very few times when a full name is used. Baptisms, graduations, and weddings all come to mind when you’ll hear someone’s full name rattled off.
But there are infinitely more times that a legal first name is used. And honestly? I have no clue what any of my friends’ middle names are, nor is it something I feel like I need to know.
It’s hard to predict whether your child would feel as strongly as I have about having my legal name match what I’m known as. Maybe they won’t care if they’re called the “wrong” name or that they have to continually correct people.
It won’t be the end of the world if you decide to call your kid by their middle name. I put up with the frustration for 17 years before doing something about it. But I’m happier now knowing that my legal identity matches my personal one and finally feel like I have the perfect name for myself.
FAQs
What are the downsides of calling your child by their middle name instead of their first?
It can create a lasting split between your child’s legal identity and the name they actually go by, leading to confusion at doctor’s offices, schools, and other official settings where their legal first name is used. Over time, that mismatch can feel disorienting, since most people go through life primarily using their legal first name.
Is it hard to legally change a first name later if your child wants their middle name to become their “real” first name?
Yes! Changing a first name is significantly more involved than changing a last name. It typically requires a background check, a court petition, a public posting period, and separate follow-up paperwork to update your Social Security card, driver’s license, passport, and other legal documents, which can take months and cost several hundred dollars.
Why do some parents choose a middle name over a first name for everyday use?
Common reasons include wanting the full name to “flow” better, passing down a name exactly as a living relative has it (to avoid confusion), or following a family naming tradition, such as naming an eldest son after his father or using Mary as a first name for the eldest daughter.
How often is a middle name actually used compared to a first name?
Middle names are used rarely. Full names (first and middle together) tend to come up only at major milestones like baptisms, graduations, or weddings, while a legal first name gets used far more often in daily life, school, and official records.
If you want your child to go by their middle name, is it better to just make it their legal first name?
Many parents who’ve gone through the mismatch firsthand recommend it. Making the preferred name the legal first name avoids the years of correcting people and the eventual hassle of a formal name change down the road.
Elliott Harrell, Contributing Writer
Elliott is a mom of two little girls and is based in Raleigh, NC. She spends her days running a sales team and doing laundry and her nights writing about the things that she loves. She’s passionate about all things motherhood and women’s health. When she’s not working, writing or parenting you can find her trying a new restaurant in town or working on her latest needlepoint project.
