Like elementary school girls everywhere, my friends were of utmost importance growing up. Who wore the other half of my best friend’s forever necklace, whom I’d invite over for a sleepover? The giggles, the admiration for each other, the vows to be “BFF’s” always.
Then came college, and my group of girlfriends became not only important but essential to my existence. When I look back on those formative four years, these ladies were the defining force. The fact that they are still a significant part of my life today is one of my biggest blessings.
In my twenties, friendships continued and expanded. I grew my social circle, with new friends and connections in the new city I moved to, at new jobs. We all partied, traveled, figured out life, leaning on each other along the way. We stood by each other’s sides when we experienced milestones, watching each other get married and start careers.
Then came babies, and the steadily progressing friendship train I’d be riding started to stall.
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Changing friendships after kids
During my thirties, as I gave birth to three baby boys, my social circle dramatically decreased. Add in the global pandemic, and it’s safe to say that nights out with girlfriends were nonexistent. Our friendships survived via text chains discussing the ins and outs of breastfeeding, advice on securing any and all sleep, and survival tips from the throes of potty training. I’m grateful for the connection that technology allowed us, and there is no doubt that that connection kept me afloat many times.
I was fully in new mommy mode, and I have no regrets for focusing on family life first and foremost during my thirties. Several circumstances made social gatherings challenging, but I also willingly and eagerly leaned into my homebody tendencies.
I recently turned 40, though, and it has me reflecting on my friendships over the years, and contemplating how I want to proceed as I enter this new decade. There are some habits I plan to continue, but there are also plenty of approaches I think need a revamp. I’m evolving as a person, and it’s time my friendships do as well.
Shifting priorities and putting in the effort
While I have no qualms about primarily prioritizing my little ones in recent years, as they get a bit older and are more independent, I, too, am craving some freedom. I’m eager to connect with fellow women and dive deep into our lives, bond over similar struggles, and laugh over the craziness of these years with young kids.
It also recently hit me that someday my boys will be out of the house. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I only focused on them and, in doing so, let other relationships fail in the process. I want to ensure I still have vibrant friendships that will guide me during that transition, and beyond. Long-lasting, deep, real friendships don’t develop overnight; they take time and energy, and I want to put in that effort now so that they continue to build for the rest of my life.
Leaning on traditions or starting new ones
As I make my friendships a bigger priority in my 40s, I have the knowledge to do so in a way that is intentional, but also grounded in reality. Monthly girls’ weekends aren’t in the cards, but could we plan a monthly dinner date? A quarterly get-together of some sort for those of us who live farther away from one another? One of my closest friends and I do a summer pool party with our families, and always do New Year’s all together. Having these yearly traditions set up makes it easier to depend on and plan on.
Putting it on the calendar
If we’re being honest, the most practical way to implement effort is by literally putting it in writing. I’ll be sitting down with my 2026 calendar before me and mapping out plans, making sure my friends have a solid place on my schedule.
Let’s get that date on the calendar for dinner and refuse to let either of us cancel (unless the stomach bug hits our house – that’s an immediate “no thanks”). We all know the effort is worth it; just like a workout, a date with friends always feels good after, even if you had to drag yourself out the door into the chilly evening air.
Honest and ongoing communication
It’ll take honest communication, and as I enter my 40s, that’s exactly what I’m ready for anyway. What works for you, what works for me, how can we make that work for us both? And when we do meet up, and the drinks are being poured, let’s really discuss life. I’m done with the shallow niceties; let’s get real. Are you dealing with perimenopause? Are you struggling with getting your kids to eat a single veggie? What keeps you up late at night? Time is precious, and I want to get to the good stuff right away.
Getting creative with connection and technology
While we’re making the effort, sometimes we do have to be realistic. Life throws us curveballs (hello, norovirus), and so creativity is key. Technology may get a bad rep, but our generation has truly mastered the art of sustaining relationships via its usage. FaceTime keeps my parents top of mind with my boys, and text chains among my girlfriends bring more joy, laughter, and straight-out support than could ever be imagined.
So let’s keep the text chains flowing! We all have the understanding that immediate responses aren’t required; we’re all doing our best. Send along the happy, the sad, the stressful, the wonderful. I want to hear and see it all and do whatever I can to send you my love electronically.
I’ve recently become really into audio messages as well. When a message is just too long to type, a quick voice note is perfect. I love hearing my girlfriends’ voices and find myself literally laughing out loud as they share a story. It’s such an easy way to keep in touch and feel close with someone, even more so than texting. I’m embracing them wholeheartedly with every passing day.
While I yearn for deep bonding conversations with my girlfriends, I’m not above silliness and an appreciation for the lighter things in life, too. Our Instagram message chain full of memes brings me laughter daily and provides that hysterical release I need when dealing with a stressful situation (aka nonstop sibling bickering).
In the same realm, I love when groups of friends have something to connect over, and I found that this past fall when we were all watching Dancing With The Stars. The texts would be flying back and forth during the live show, and we’d all chat about our thoughts all week long. It brought a little burst of joy to the routine of daily life, and we’re planning to do the same with the upcoming season of The Bachelorette.
By bringing in what I’ve learned as a mother—patience, acceptance, and flexibility—into our friendships, it doesn’t diminish their weight; it only enhances the dynamic.
Remaining open and taking risks
We moved to our current home four years ago and have been blown away by the new friendships that I’ve developed in that short time. We were lucky enough to move into an incredibly welcoming neighborhood, full of other young families. My oldest started kindergarten shortly after arriving, and elementary school opened the door for so many new friendship opportunities, for both my son and me.
From my neighborhood book club to meeting other moms at school functions, it’s been a lesson in re-learning how to make friends once again. Some people you immediately click with, others are a slow burn. Encouraging myself to be patient, curious, and open to new relationships is a skill I hope to carry forward for myself and to demonstrate for my children.
Just because I have older friendships from my twenties doesn’t mean I can’t make room for new ones, too. We plan to be in this community throughout raising our children, and so, there’s potential to be surrounded by these peers for many, many years. How wonderful if we could grow friendships and support each other, so close to home! I’m discovering it is truly worth the effort to foster these new relationships, to take the risk and reach out. Opening the doors for communication, invitations for a coffee, a walk, or a little get-together are always welcome. A little effort goes a long way in the early days of a friendship and beyond.
Different friends can serve different needs, and those who live close by, in my neighborhood, in my sons’ school, and throughout our community have fed me in ways I didn’t know I needed. They don’t need to be immediate best friends who know my whole life story. Some may become that at some point; others may remain on a different level and be the most amazing PTO buddy. Both are vital, both hold importance, and being open to that allows for surprising opportunities.
Allowing for evolution
The song may advise to ‘make new friends’, but it also reminds, to ‘keep the old’, and as time goes on, I want to continue to care for these decades-old relationships. By putting in the effort to make them a greater priority in my life, they are bound to continue to flourish.
But as I enter my 40s, there also needs to be some understanding and acceptance that friendships can shift. At different points in our lives, different people will be on our sidelines. Sometimes it’ll be the same person over and over; other times, a fresh face will show up. Being open to the evolution of friendships, for better or for worse, will hopefully give me peace instead of pain.
There will be those friends that I become closer to, due to circumstances, similarities, habits, or proximity. And there will be those that I grow apart from, for a variety of reasons. While I believe in putting in the effort and energy, I also believe that at times, you need to loosen the hold you have on friends who aren’t putting in the same level of effort, that you aren’t connecting with currently. Those who don’t reciprocate your interest in the relationship, the curiosity in your life. Giving them space and patience to see how it plays out might just be the best thing you can do for the relationship as a whole. And if ultimately you don’t reconnect, giving the friendship forgiveness and grace might be the answer. People evolve, and it’s ok for friendships to do so as well.
Final thoughts on friendships after 40
Who do I want to carry forward with me as I enter this new decade and continue forward? When I think of it that way, beyond my immediate family, I see a lot of special women. The group I envision is a mixture of old and new, best friends and new acquaintances that hold promise. I see some throughout the week, others only a handful of times during the year. It’s an eclectic group that I look forward to fostering, to growing with, and I can’t wait to see where it’ll take me.
Liz Greene, Contributing Writer
Liz is a lifestyle writer living on the East Coast with her husband and three little boys. Her days are filled with endless messes, tons of cold coffee, Post-It notes transcribed with everything she’s worried she’ll forget, and lots and lots of baby wipes—and she wouldn’t have it any other way. Liz was previously an editor at Style Me Pretty.
