"When my husband and I told our family that we were pregnant at ages 23 and 24, they assumed we would be having multiple children. They believed our daughter would just be the first of many since we were starting so “early.” As time passed, however, I began to feel uneasy when they made remarks insinuating additional future children. Didn’t that seem premature, considering the first one wasn’t even here yet? I remember walking into the living room at five months pregnant and looking at my husband on the couch, slightly nervous to tell him what I was thinking: I think she’s it for us.
It was the first time I had said it out loud. It made it real. I expected a bit of backlash or shock from him but didn’t get it. We had always agreed that we’d have one kid, and depending on how that went, a few years later, we would have a second one. Despite the agreement on a second baby being “we’ll see how it goes,” to me, it always seemed like we would definitely have two children, until now. To my surprise, he agreed he had been feeling the same way, and suddenly, the weight of what others expected of us was lifted from my shoulders.
“I remember walking into the living room at five months pregnant and looking at my husband… slightly nervous to tell him what I was thinking: ‘I think she’s it for us.'”
After my revelation that I would be done having babies, I was able to enjoy my pregnancy more and appreciate the different stage of my life, knowing this would be the only time I’d experience it. Now that our daughter is here, feeling that I’m done having babies has wavered only a little on my side, though I’m still settling on that chapter being closed. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my daughter, or that I wouldn’t enjoy another baby. I didn’t have a particularly high-risk pregnancy either. It just means I’m happy with the way things are and the opportunities I have with my daughter as an only child. Here’s why I’m happy being one and done as a young mom.
Why I Think I’m Done Having Babies
Intentionality With Time and Mental Health
A driving factor to my decision is that I want to be as intentional as I can in raising my daughter, and to me, that means being as present as I can. A perk of being a younger mother means I have the energy to spend doing whatever my daughter wants to in the future, and staying home with her opens the doors to a world of possibility and adventure. I want to be able to fully commit to and do my best to create a happy and healthy childhood for her. For me to feel confident in my ability to intentionally raise her the way I want, I can’t divide my time.
It’s less about my daughter having to share me and more about my perception of my availability to her. I want to be able to give her my attention guilt-free, without being mentally bogged down by an ever-growing pile of dishes or household responsibilities or compromising my own free time. A mother’s mental health is a key point in providing care for her children. Additionally, depression and anxiety rates in children ages 3-15 have been climbing steadily for the past 15 years. I have struggled all my life with depression and anxiety, and I know how much of a difference it can make to have someone there who cares and is paying attention.
The Ability To Live Within Our Means
Money is another factor in deciding to be done having babies. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, a middle-income family (making between $59,200 to $107,400 annually) can expect to spend $25,360 in a child’s first two years of life. We planned for years to make sure we could provide for our daughter before she was born. It would take several more years to plan for another baby while still providing for her, and in this climate of ever-climbing prices, it just doesn’t seem feasible with the age gap we would want.
The current yearly income required to live comfortably for a family of two adults and two children where we are in the state of Kansas is $196,768. That’s a crazy number, especially considering Kansas is ranked as one of the most affordable states to live in!
As for my family, we choose to live within our means, and in this time of rising costs, that’s hard. We have been fortunate enough to keep our debt to a minimum and spent the majority of our time pre-baby saving our money, but factoring in the decision for me to be a stay-at-home mom means going without extras. If we don’t have the money, we don’t spend it. Things we want for our future include an annual family summer vacation, as well as lots of outings to more local fun. We want to provide a childhood for our daughter full of memories, and while plenty can be made for free, many also cost money. Having another child would leave us in a rocky place financially and take away from experiences we want to provide for our family.
The Physical Limitations of Pregnancy
The physical restrictions of pregnancy were hard for me despite being a young mom. I had debilitating morning sickness in my second trimester for weeks that nearly hospitalized me. Even after my sickness settled down, things were still rocky for months. I had to drop all responsibilities and could hardly take care of myself during that time. While every pregnancy is different, I am at an elevated risk of repeating that struggle.
How would I care for my daughter while bed-bound and unable to sit up without losing the contents of my stomach? Along with the struggle to conquer hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme morning sickness), I’m a mover and often can’t help but overdo it, so it was hard to accept that I needed to take a step back and slow down during pregnancy and to later be physically incapable of doing things.
At four months pregnant, I was making myself sick trying to clean the house before company came over, and at seven months pregnant, I was wiping myself out cutting tags off baby clothes and organizing things from our baby shower. I couldn’t fathom chasing my daughter around and being pregnant again. Being a stay-at-home mom makes me her primary caregiver, and though she doesn’t do too much moving yet, I know that once she starts, she won’t stop! I also don’t want to feel like I am putting her second or forcing her to be more independent than she is ready for.
It Just Feels Right, Right Now
Everybody knows their own family and what is right for them, and for us, it just seems like having one kid is perfect. We can focus on her without stressing about our time, and she has our full attention. When our daughter turns 20, my husband and I will be in our mid-40s with plenty of life left to spend however we choose. We’ll be able to be involved with our potential future grandchildren—if our daughter chooses to have kids.
Whenever I get a pang of sadness as I pack up clothes she has outgrown and start to mourn the tiny baby that is already getting so big, it serves as a reminder of all the reasons to keep my eyes on my daughter. I don’t want to miss a thing, and instead of wishing for another baby to fill the void, I am moved to prioritize this time with her. She is the missing puzzle piece to our family, and right now, we feel complete. Could things change? Of course, but right now, we are content as a family of three.