About a month ago, my toddler was playing with one of his favorite tractor toys when the piece connecting the trailer broke off. If you know toddlers, you know I braced myself for a full meltdown or total indifference. Instead, he looked over at me and said, “Can we order another one from the deliveryman?“ His question sure made me pause.
In his little world, it does make complete sense. Things like groceries, new clothes, and dog food show up on our porch almost daily. Why wouldn’t a broken tractor toy work the same way? But I found myself standing there in the kitchen, brow furrowed, trying to figure out why this bothered me as much as it did.
This situation sent me down a very familiar parenting rabbit hole—one where you overthink and analyze. We live in a world where entertainment, answers, and replacement items are all just a few taps away. If this is the norm, how do we build resilience in kids? Convenience isn’t the villain here, but it does raise a real question: if struggle is a lot more optional these days, are we accidentally opting our kids out of learning from it?
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What is resilience?
As parents, of course, we want to raise resilient kids. But what does that even really mean?
Resilience is the belief that you can figure something out. It’s the inner voice you have that reminds you you’re capable of solving a problem or finishing a task, even when it’s tedious or hard. And resilience in kids is built from everyday moments, not the big and dramatic ones.
I think about things like scrounging up coins to call my mom from the middle school payphone to ask for an early pickup and getting no answer. Riding my bike down the road to see if a friend was around, then turning right back around and rode home alone. Waiting for a trip to the mall to get something new for the season instead of having it show up two days later. All because I couldn’t just easily call, text, or shop online with immediate results.
None of those moments felt significant at the time. But I do think they add up to something. They teach that disappointment is survivable, waiting is tolerable, boredom is good for you, and you’re more capable than you think.
“These moments teach that disappointment is survivable, waiting is tolerable, boredom is good for you, and you’re more capable than you think.”
The convenience trap
The here and now is an era of immediacy. As a millennial, I remember Blockbuster runs, printed MapQuest directions, and cashing checks inside an actual bank. But I’ve got two feet firmly planted in the present. I queue up Tumbleaf and Trash Truck for my son right from home. I use Waze to get anywhere new without much thought. My freelance work gets paid with a few clicks. These conveniences make life easier, and I feel no shame in using them.
Here’s the world our kids are growing up in right now:
- A favorite song? Playing in seconds.
- Want a new book? Download away.
- A question they can’t answer? Solve it with a voice command.
- Something broken or outgrown? Replace it by tomorrow morning.
- Bored on a car ride? There’s a screen for that.
- Feel like watching something? Stream all the episodes of your favorite show.
- Need to talk to a friend? Text, don’t call.
None of this is bad. But when everything is readily available by default, the waiting, figuring it out, and trying again don’t come as naturally anymore. Which means we may have to create these situations on purpose.
What happens when kids don’t struggle
When everything gets solved quickly and comfortably, kids miss out on chances to build the resilience muscles they’ll need later. And it can look like:
- Toddlers and little kids: Low tolerance for waiting, difficulty bouncing back from small disappointments, and meltdowns when something doesn’t work the first time.
- School-age kids: Avoiding anything that feels hard, struggling to problem-solve on their own, defaulting to “I can’t do it” before really trying.
- Tweens and teens: A harder time handling criticism or failure, anxiety around new or uncertain situations, and reluctance to try things they might not be good at right away.
How to build kids’ resilience with intention
Here’s what we have that our kids don’t: a before. We know what it feels like to wait, to ruminate on something without Googling it, to have zero plans on a summer afternoon. Our kids don’t have that frame of reference. So sometimes we have to build it for them. Here’s how to get started:
Let them be bored
My son’s teacher recently sent home a note about the importance of boredom. Just plain, unscheduled boredom. It hit home.
Psychologist Emily Edlynn puts it well: “Boredom breeds creative thinking, problem-solving, and rest from a highly stimulating world, and a chance to learn to regulate emotions.”
No need to ban screens or schedule official boredom time—that defeats the purpose. Just leave some gaps:
- Babies and toddlers: Create a safe play space where they can explore independently. Let them interact with objects on their own terms.
- Little kids: Encourage unstructured outdoor time, a basket of open-ended materials, and resisting the urge to jump in when they say, “I’m bored.”
- Older kids and teens: Keep unscheduled weekend hours, not always having something streaming, and sitting with a feeling before reaching for a phone.
Let them problem solve
As parents, we have to get comfortable and cope with our own unease and anxiety around watching our kids figure it out for themselves. It means not always looking for ways to make things easier. It means sitting back and watching our kids navigate through situations on their own, carefully choosing when and how we intervene.
For example, maybe your toddler is learning how to put their shoes on. “As a parent, it can be really tempting to do it for them, especially if you’re late, and it’s taking forever,” said Nina Kaiser, Ph.D., licensed psychologist and mom of two who founded Practice San Francisco. “But letting your kid do it and figure it out for themselves not only develops that skill [of putting shoes on], but also develops frustration tolerance and perseverance.”
Add a little friction
Productive struggle is a good thing. “Struggle is not a failure, but a part of life and the journey. You don’t get that message if you don’t ever struggle,” Kaiser said. Kids can learn how to figure something out instead of having it handed to them. It’s worth trying a few of these:
- Calling a family member with expertise instead of Googling
- Going to the store instead of getting a home delivery
- Choosing a DVD from the library instead of streaming whatever’s on
- Repairing something before replacing it
- Watching a show week to week instead of bingeing the whole season
- Not bringing anything for entertainment to a restaurant or waiting room
- Sending a handwritten note or card instead of a text
- Having them write out a grocery or errand list by hand before you head out
- Giving them a tedious task and letting them feel the weight of finishing it
That last one matters more than it might seem. “Tasks such as raking leaves, vacuuming the inside of a car, or weeding the yard all require time and patience,” Edlynn says. “Kids will initially feel uncomfortable and resistant, but when they complete the task, they can feel a sense of accomplishment and contribution.”
I did something hard, and I finished it. That’s it. That’s the goal.
You don’t have to reject convenience—just interrupt it sometimes
Convenience isn’t going anywhere. The apps, the Wi-Fi, and the same-day delivery are all helpful, and we’re keeping them. But inserting some slower solutions can really have a big impact on building resilience in kids.
Let them be bored. Let the package wait a few days. Let them figure it out before you step in. Let Thursday’s library trip answer today’s question.
The delivery man is still an option. But it doesn’t always have to be the first one.
Danielle Bouchard, Contributing Writer
Danielle is a New England–based freelance writer and editor whose work focuses on motherhood, family, education, and lifestyle content. As a toddler mom with another baby on the way, she loves exploring the everyday moments that shape modern motherhood. When she’s not outside playing with her son, she’s most likely searching for her next great read or walking their very enthusiastic dog.
