"Most people have good intentions when sharing their favorite piece of parenting advice, but one classic suggestion is more toxic than it looks on the surface: The mess can wait.
The argument seems sound at first glance. Spend less time stressing about maintaining a perfectly clean home and enjoy more quality family time. Good intentions are there, but here’s what a mom is really hearing:
- The mess can wait. You don’t have a valid reason to be upset about something you find difficult to deal with.
- You’ll miss it one day. Your concerns are so invalid you lost sense of your own priorities.
- Your children won’t remember how clean your home was. “Good” moms play with their children instead of focusing on their own needs.
The cleanliness of our living environment can greatly and negatively impact our mental health. When a mother expresses frustration with the cleanliness of her home, it’s because she feels like a basic need is not being met. Telling her the mess can wait dismisses her concerns while doing nothing to help her solve the root problem.
Why ‘The Mess Can Wait’ Advice is Problematic
When I first brought my baby home, I became very aware of how stimulating our home was. Lights, music, fans, and screens suddenly felt overwhelmingly loud and bright. So like most new parents, we took steps to make our home less stimulating. We dimmed the lights, turned off the television, and embraced white noise. Is it so out of bounds to think that as an exhausted and overwhelmed new mom, I might also benefit from less stimulation?
I am sure there are many days of parenthood when I will let the mess wait, but I know this isn’t a philosophy I can live by every day. When my home is dirty and cluttered, I find it harder to focus and enjoy my time at home. Existing stress gets worse. Basic home tasks become more challenging.
I thrive in a clutter-free and clean environment. The day after I came home from the hospital, the reality of how chaotic my home could become came crashing down on me. This is how I found myself frantically organizing baskets for the many new baby essentials that took over my house. Being told that I don’t need a clean house didn’t help me find sustainable solutions to maintaining a home environment that supports my wellness (and the whole family’s).
How I Manage the Mess
I spend the majority of my time at home with my 10-month-old son, so loving my living environment is more important to me than ever before. This is how I lighten my load at home without sacrificing my quality of life.
Don’t Let Clutter Take Over
Kids come with a lot of stuff, and it never stops coming. I find that a home with less clutter is easier to clean, and I don’t lose my baby’s favorite toy on an hourly basis. I love a good decluttering session in January, but I also declutter on a smaller scale a few times a year. If I see any area of my home starting to get tricky in any way (like a drawer is too tough to close), I narrow in on that problem before it escalates.
“Stuff” can provide solutions, and I won’t pretend it can’t make your life feel better, so this is not an argument for minimalism. These are a few questions I ask myself:
- Does the value justify the space it takes up in your home?
- What would you stand to gain by removing this item from your home?
- Is there a reason you don’t use the item more?
- Is there something you can do to make the item more usable?
Every time I get more cutthroat about decluttering, I find myself enjoying my space more and more.
Make Cleaning Up Part Of Everyone’s Routine
My baby son can’t help clean up his toys just yet, but I make cleaning up a part of our pre-nap and pre-bed routine. I used to wait until after he went to sleep to tidy up, but now I steal a few minutes of precious nap time back by cleaning up his toys in front of him. This quick chore doubles as a sleep signal for his brain and will start to teach him good habits.
My husband and I have our own cleaning routines, too. He does some of the more physically demanding deep cleaning chores on the weekends. I start a small load of laundry first thing every morning to keep folding manageable. Once a cleaning task becomes more routine, you take major brain space back. No more planning, no debating who will get what done, no putting it off until later.
Lighten the Mental Load
Incorporating regular cleaning tasks into my routine helps me stay on track and alleviates some of your partner’s mental clutter. Because my husband knows I catch up on laundry each morning, he throws anything he wants clean in the basket before I wake up. This consistency saves us a lot of boring laundry conversations.
On top of sharing tasks and communicating clearly with my partner about responsibilities, I take other steps to lighten the cleaning load. Many moms take on household management tasks that go far past emptying the dishwasher or making the kids’ beds. I don’t want to spend any more time on these tasks than necessary.
To limit how much time I spend thinking about cleaning, I try to stock up on eco-friendly refillable products. That way, I always have what I need to tackle a mess but don’t spend my weekends running out to buy missing products. My favorite line of refillable cleaning products is from Koala Eco. This essential oil-based line smells so divine my husband looks for excuses to use the floor cleaner.
Find Ways to Enjoy Cleaning
Some boring adult things like taxes only come once a year—others are incessant. Because the need to clean isn’t going anywhere, I’m finding ways to enjoy that time.
- Find hands-free entertainment. I used to clean in silence because I got sick of dealing with headphones that failed to sync or carrying my phone from room to room. A Sonos speaker helped me reclaim some “me-time” even when cleaning by making it super easy for me to throw on a podcast. Because the speaker is strong enough, I can still hear it even when cleaning gets loud.
- Make a special drink. Any sort of drink that suits your fancy—I like a good matcha latte with a caffeine boost. A special latte or fresh juice in the morning, a cup of iced tea in the afternoon, or a glass of wine during a quick evening cleanup can make cleaning feel less tedious.
- Have a treat waiting. When my to-do list is a million miles long and I have a family full of people fighting for my attention, it’s hard to prioritize cleaning. Creating extra motivation makes cleaning more fun. I personally love a good, long everything shower with my favorite relaxing shower steamers post-cleaning session. It takes some time for the steamers to evaporate, which is the perfect excuse to have a nice long shower with zero mom guilt. Have a favorite candle you only light after a tidying session. Crack open a new book once there are fresh sheets on the bed. Plan an ice cream sundae party for the whole family when you all work together to get the garage clutter under control.
Life is a lot messier these days, and I am grateful, but with a little effort, I plan to enjoy these hectic years in a home I love.
Jacqueline DeMarco, Contributing Writer
Jacqueline DeMarco is a freelance writer based in Southern California who graduated from the University of California Irvine with a degree in Literary Journalism. She has written on a wide range of topics including finance, travel, and wellness for publications such as The Everygirl, Coveteur, Girlboss, and Apartment Therapy. When not whipping up articles, she works with consumer brands like Gorjana, Voluspa, Underclub, The Well, and St. John to help tell their brand stories.