When my son turned four, I began a rigorous self-imposed process of deciding where to send him to kindergarten. I attended more than 10 school informational sessions, spoke with countless parents of elementary-aged children, and enrolled my son in at least five schools before August rolled around. I was seeking the perfect education for him and felt conflicted about what that entailed.
I live in Arizona, where school choice is broad, thanks to charter schools, state-provided scholarships, and, in my city, public variances that allow families to choose schools outside their assigned neighborhood campuses. Having so many choices might seem like a good thing. But for someone who overanalyzes everything, deciding between so many private, public, and homeschool options felt overwhelming, like when you go into a gelato spot and there are just too many flavors.
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Considering private vs public vs homeschool
As a first-time parent, I felt deeply conflicted about the education choice I had to make—I didn’t want to get it wrong and have my child hate school. Was the best choice a hands-on Montessori? The local STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math) program at our public school? Or the Spanish-immersion program, where he could learn the language of his own family.
I wanted to make this hard choice once and never have to make it again, feeling confident I’d searched for the best and that I’d made the right decision. But that didn’t happen.
Lessons learned after sending my kids to all three
Today, I have three kids across preschool, elementary, and middle school. I’ve sent my kids to a public charter school, a private school, and even homeschooled them. These are the lessons I’ve learned when it comes to my kids’ education.
There’s no perfect school or education
When my firstborn was in kindergarten, I ended up sending him to a classical charter school. I felt confident that the classical education model would provide him with a solid foundation, so we purchased the prim-and-proper uniforms, the required reading material, and the correct Ticonderoga 2.0 pencils (yes, they had a pencil preference).
That year, my son came home, reciting Robert Lewis Stevenson’s poetry about a friendly red-and-white cow, and learned to read from classical stories like Arnold Lobel’s Frog and Toad.
Here’s what I loved about the classic education model:
- The literature that it exposed him to
- The emphasis on values like truth, goodness, and beauty
- The mastery-based math program, which set a good foundation
And what I didn’t love:
- My son developed an oral fixation with his hands because of the “scholarly position.” (He was expected in class: back straight, eyes up, and hands clasped together on the desk. Whenever the teacher wasn’t looking, or he felt nervous or bored, he started bringing his hands to his mouth. It came home, too, and took him years to outgrow.)
- The program was very strict, and I didn’t feel it was always age-appropriate.
- He seemed so tired after long days at school and never wanted to go.
At the end of the school year, we pulled him out. My whole plan to send my child to the same school for kindergarten through high school was over. So much for all my careful planning. I’d been so focused on finding the “right” school that I hadn’t spent enough time considering what was actually right for him.
“I’d been so focused on finding the ‘right’ school that I hadn’t spent enough time considering what was actually right for him.”
Don’t be afraid to change course
The next year, we opted to homeschool.
I had idyllic fantasies of what that would look like: nature walks spent identifying trees and listening to bird calls, afternoons spent reading great literature, and slow mornings spent around the table learning and laughing together. I even opted to host a weekly homeschool co-op at my home for other families, including Spanish immersion, art study, science experiments, and more. This would be a perfect fit.
In many ways, homeschooling was a sweet experience. I loved the following things about homeschooling the most:
- We spent many days on nature hikes across Arizona and met so many wonderful families who became quality friends.
- I learned a good deal about art, culture, and many other subjects by educating my son, and I valued this chance to learn together.
- The quality time was unparalleled, and I savored the many slow days we spent together doing creative things like “poetry tea time” or kid-friendly science projects.
And yet, homeschooling had its own struggles:
- After two years, I realized he and I were no longer in a healthy parent-teacher-child relationship.
- I could tell that he’d benefit more from having a teacher assign him work.
- He and I were struggling with creating more structure each day, and I needed a break.
So, once again, I made a change and enrolled him in our local public charter school. To my relief, he loved the arrangement:
- He thrived with the added structure.
- He enjoyed the all-day social interactions with friends.
- And as I suspected, he learned (a little) better from teachers, though many of his same obstinacies persisted.
Was it perfect? You bet not.
No program has to be a permanent decision
By this point, I was beginning to see that choosing a program or an education philosophy doesn’t have to be permanent. You are the parent, and you have the freedom to make another choice—whether that’s halfway through a semester or after several years.
Having three children has only reinforced this for me. What works beautifully for one child may be a terrible fit for another, even within the same family. My second child has dyslexia, so a program that offers her more flexibility has been helpful. As for my youngest, he’s only in Pre-K, so time will tell what he needs, but I’m speculating that he may lean towards kinesthetic learning in a program that offers lots of movement opportunities.
Sometimes you need to let things work themselves out
At the same time, I don’t think parents should be too quick to pull their children from a program. Children need stability, and pulling them out for trivial things isn’t in their best interests.
You might love your school, but not your child’s teacher that year. Their personalities simply don’t click. Children need to learn to work with all kinds of people, and sometimes that means sticking out a year with a teacher who isn’t their (or your) favorite.
I’ve also found that sometimes the program itself isn’t the problem, but my child’s lack of maturity. My eldest has really grown into himself over the last year or two, and his conflicts have naturally lessened, as have the reports home from teachers. Sometimes our children simply need grace and space to grow.
We should give the education program as much grace as we extend to our children. And that can look like staying at a school that isn’t perfect.
As my eldest son rounds out his last year of middle school, I’ve learned that it’s not about finding the ideal school, but about paying attention to my kids as they walk through its doors each morning. Where are they thriving? That’s what matters.
FAQs about choosing the right school for your child
How do I choose between public, private, and homeschool for my child?
There’s no single “right” choice. Local school options, family budget, and a child’s unique needs are all factors. In my experience, watching how a specific child responds to a program once they’re in it, rather than trying to pick the perfect option in advance, will help find the right fit for them.
Does one type of schooling work best for every family?
In my experience, what works well for one child may be a terrible fit for another, even within the same family. Each of my three children has unique learning styles and needs, so we’ve adjusted based on what’s best for them.
How do I know if the school is the problem or my child’s maturity?
Sometimes, a child’s struggles in school can be about developmental readiness rather than the school itself, and that behavior and teacher feedback often improve as the child matures.
Kris Ann Valdez, Contributing Writer
Kris Ann Valdez is a mom and freelance journalist who covers parenting, lifestyle, and science-based topics. Beyond The Everymom, Kris Ann contributes to national outlets such as Good Housekeeping, Parents, and Scary Mommy. She’s also the creator of “The Guide Girl,” a Substack dedicated to inspiring writers to pursue publication.
