When I got pregnant with my second child, I was beyond excited to add another baby—not just to our family—but to our friend group. We were part of a close-knit circle of young families in our neighborhood. I already had a toddler at home, and like many moms in that stage of life, I relied heavily on my mom friends for advice, socialization for my kids, and as a much-needed social outlet. The dads golfed together, and the moms hung out daily. We hit up the zoo, attended workout classes together, and hosted playdates while we mingled over coffee and bonded over sleepless nights. Together, we dealt with teething challenges, sleep regressions, and developmental milestones. It was the greatest thing ever—until it wasn’t.
Over the course of two years, the mom group I leaned on somehow evolved into toxic friendships, and it no longer fit the definition of a supportive village. There were signs that led me to leave my toxic mom group, but breaking up with them still hurt.
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How my mom group started
As a postpartum mom, navigating toddlerhood and the newborn stage, along with a pandemic, I was floundering and desperate for support. Then I met another mom at an organized playgroup, and we bonded over birth stories and the fact that we had kids the same age. Soon, we were hanging out weekly and added a few more moms to the group.
It was a shared understanding that showing up to playdates with a messy bun and tired eyes was a sign of solidarity. We were all in the same stage of motherhood. These moms were my sounding board for everything—from baby sleep regressions to preschool enrollment to which activities to sign my toddler up for.
Signs that the friendships were toxic
While I considered these women my friends, there were signs of a toxic mom group well before I decided to leave it.
I was left out of group hangouts
It started with side hangs I wasn’t invited to, all of which were posted to social media, of course. Seeing my friends spend a day at the beach without me often left me in tears, wondering why my family wasn’t included and what I had done wrong.
Our parenting approach didn’t align
There were judgmental comments about my child’s development or my decision to vaccinate my family. Their kids weren’t always kind to my toddler, which was where the real cracks in our relationship started to show. Suddenly, there was lots of hitting, pushing, and “You can’t play with us!” at playdates. And I was dismissed when I brought these concerns up to them.
We spoke ill of one another
And they all talked badly about one another. I’m embarrassed to admit that I often joined in. It was mostly petty stuff, like who exposed their child to other kids too soon after being sick, whose kid bit others (and what was wrong with them). It went so far as to even deciding whose kid badly needed speech, and their mom just wasn’t seeing it.
But one day I realized something: If any combination of these women were talking about another mom (and their kids) when they weren’t around, then they were almost certainly doing the same to me.
How I decided to cut ties with the group
There was almost always bad blood within the group: Someone was always in conflict with someone else. After a particularly ugly fight between one of the moms and me, the calls and texts abruptly stopped. Their husbands stopped inviting mine to hang out, and the invitations to group dinners and birthday parties halted.
It culminated in my youngest’s first birthday party. I sent out invitations to every family. Not one came, and it was heartbreaking.
It was the biggest sign that it was time to leave that toxic mom group. So, I left the group chat, blocked or muted them on social media, and I started avoiding them altogether.
The lessons I learned after the breakup
My toxic mom group breakup wasn’t pretty. I know that I wasn’t my best self during that time period. In truth, I have so many regrets about that time in my life. I regret investing in people who truly didn’t have my best interests at heart. I regret letting them into my kids’ lives, especially when their kids weren’t treating mine well. Most of all, I regret wasting so much precious time during my baby’s first year of life being upset about the relationships that were severed.
While my friendship breakup was super painful, it also taught me some important lessons, too:
“I regret investing in people who truly didn’t have my best interests at heart.”
Try to assume the best in situations
Now, when a friend says something that hurts my feelings, or I don’t get invited to something, I assume the best of them. I think of the context of what else they may be dealing with in their life that has nothing to do with me. And I try to focus on the fact that they’re my friend and someone who still cares. It’s understanding that if they hurt my feelings, they likely didn’t mean to.
Friends don’t have shady side conversations
If there is any sort of frustration or disagreement between my current friends and me, I go right to the source to talk it out. There are no more shady side conversations. I’ve acknowledged that I’m too old to talk badly about others, and it never results in a resolution, anyway. Being direct is almost always the best route.
Choose quality, not quantity
I consider myself a social person who loves making new friends. However, the size of my social circle didn’t match the quality of my friendships. I got to the point where I realized I was meeting so many people that I couldn’t truly be a good friend to any of them. I recognized that I wasn’t taking the time to get to know them before opening up my heart.
These days, I keep my circle small, picking the kind of women who speak positively about me when I’m not around—not poorly. In these friendships, we share similar values, are similar ages, and raise kind, sweet kids. It’s a bonus if the husbands get along, too.
“These days, I keep my circle small, picking the kind of women who speak positively about me when I’m not around—not poorly.”
Leaving my toxic mom group was for the better
Society and social media encourage moms to find the village, form the perfect mom friendships, and to strive for the grand interfamilial relationships. But there’s something we don’t talk enough about—forming and keeping friendships with other moms can be hard. My friendships didn’t end well, and it was terrifying to cut ties with people who, at one point, were considered a support system. But if there’s one thing I do know, I didn’t fail in making mom friends. Today, I have a solid group of friendships that fill my cup rather than empty it. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve found my motherhood groove, my career is thriving, and I finally feel like I have a solid support system.
But that doesn’t mean what happened back then doesn’t still hurt. In fact, just today I drove past two of my former mom friends walking through my neighborhood, and my stomach did a little flip. But that involuntary, physical reaction told me everything I needed to know: Leaving my toxic mom group was the right thing. If you’re missing that mom group or have experience with a toxic friend group, I see you, and you’re not alone.
Rachel Morgan Cautero, Contributing Writer
Rachel is a full-time freelance writer based in Ponte Vedra, Florida. When she’s not busy wrangling a toddler, preschooler, and one very stubborn French bulldog, she’s writing on all things personal finance and parenting. Her work has appeared in The Atlantic, Forbes, Parents, Nerdwallet, The Balance, Yahoo Finance, Truly Mama, SmartAsset, HerMoney, and DailyWorth.
