"I love my husband and almost everything about him. He’s kind and caring, driven and fun, and the best girl dad ever. But he has a major flaw—he snores. Badly. When he sleeps, it’s as if a megaphone is amplifying every sound he makes, and he makes a lot of sounds.
He can fall asleep in under 30 seconds, which is when the loud, incessant chainsaw noises typically start. It means I often have trouble falling asleep, and I usually wake up at least once during the night because of the snoring.
I’ve tried nudging him or loudly clapping or pushing him onto his side to get a reprieve from the snoring, but the pause from the noise is always temporary at best. About six months ago, I found myself awake more nights than not, trying to tune out the snores—often failing and feeling drained in the morning instead of well rested. I felt tired and cranky.
And I’m not alone. In a recent Harris Poll commissioned by Camino of over 2,000 adults, 81 percent of those with a partner said that they have an issue with sleep quality while sharing a bed. That’s a staggering fact that so many people’s sleep is disrupted for one reason or another, especially when there are solutions that can help.
It took me months of poor sleep to finally do something about it. The solution? I’ve started sleeping in our guest room a portion of the time. I didn’t know that this is commonly called a ‘sleep divorce’ or that they’re more common than you might think. Read on to learn more about what a sleep divorce is, how it might benefit some couples, and how to approach it with your partner.
Leah Kaylor, Ph.D. MSCP
Dr. Kaylor is a licensed clinical psychologist for the Federal Bureau of Investigation. She provides expertise and help in many avenues of mental health including trauma, EMDR, sleep, nightmares, and more.
What is a sleep divorce?
I cringe at the word divorce because it often has so many negative connotations, while a sleep divorce can be quite positive. It’s just sleeping in another room to get good, quality sleep, not any indication of your relationship status. In fact, The American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that almost a third of couples are choosing to get one.
“The American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that almost a third of couples are choosing to get a ‘sleep divorce'”
“While the term may sound drastic, a sleep divorce is a mutually beneficial arrangement that ensures both partners can get the rest they need without frequent disruptions,” says Dr. Leah Kaylor.
For my husband and me, our sleep divorce looks like me starting in our bed and leaving for the guest room when I can’t sleep because of his snoring. Once or twice a week, one of us will spend a full night in the guest room so that the other can get a 100 percent disruption-free restful night. Everyone’s sleep divorce will look a bit different, but the goal is to separate when you need to for optimal rest.
Benefits of a sleep divorce
The biggest benefit of a sleep divorce is better sleep, which is a cornerstone of well-being. My energy levels and focus are better; I’m more patient with my kids when I’m well-rested, and my stress is lower. Less than seven hours of sleep a night is also linked to health issues like weight gain, high blood pressure, depression, and more.
Beyond that, though, Dr. Kaylor says that a sleep divorce can have a positive effect on your relationship.
“When partners are constantly frustrated by one another’s sleep habits, it can lead to irritability, tension, and even conflict,” she says. “Studies have shown poor sleep may contribute to increased anger and perceiving their relationship as lower quality.”
Many people might think that a sleep divorce might hurt a relationship since you aren’t sleeping next to each other, but Dr. Kaylor says it can actually help a relationship. “By respecting each other’s unique sleep needs and finding compromises to optimize rest, couples can enjoy better sleep, strengthen their relationship, and prioritize their overall physical and mental well-being.”
Why aren’t more people getting a sleep divorce?
Camino’s study found that the overwhelming majority of those that they surveyed had sleep quality issues, but nearly two-thirds of those surveyed said that something was stopping them from getting a sleep divorce.
Respondents cited things like feeling like there’s a stigma associated with sleeping in different rooms, not wanting other people in the house (presumably kids) seeing them sleep in different beds, and worrying that a sleep divorce will negatively affect the relationship.
I can empathize. I spent months getting bad sleep and suffering the consequences because I didn’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings and didn’t want him to think I didn’t want to be next to him. Nothing was further from the truth—he was fully supportive of me doing what I needed to do to get better sleep and even started proactively recommending I sleep in the guest room if he knew I’d had a particularly challenging couple of nights.
As for our kids knowing that we sometimes sleep in different rooms? We just explain that sometimes one parent needs a bit more rest. They haven’t raised any questions, but if the time comes, we’ll elaborate that it’s a positive thing to do things that help you get great sleep.
Tips on talking to your partner about a sleep divorce
My husband and I have never really had a serious conversation about our sleep divorce. We’ve had conversations about his snoring and how it can wake me up, but we never sat down one day to formally declare a sleep divorce. It was just something that naturally happened once I got over my qualms about it, and it’s been great.
That said, Dr. Kaylor says that reassuring your partner that wanting a sleep divorce is about prioritizing each other’s health, not about any issues with your emotional connection, is important.
“Focus on the mutual benefits, like improved sleep and overall well-being, rather than framing it as a rejection or relationship issue,” she stresses. “Avoid stigmatizing the arrangement by normalizing the idea that healthy sleep is crucial for a strong relationship.”
Dr. Kaylor adds that it can be helpful to agree on a plan of how often you’re going to sleep apart to make sure you both feel like the sleep divorce meets both of your needs. Establishing routines like sending goodnight texts if you’re in different rooms, prioritizing having coffee together each morning, and spending a few minutes relaxing together in bed before you go to different spaces can help ensure you’re still connecting as a couple.
What to try if you don’t want to get a sleep divorce
If a sleep divorce sounds too extreme, or if there isn’t realistically anywhere else for you to comfortably sleep, there are other things that you can try.
White Noise or Earplugs
Earplugs or a white noise machine can be helpful to block out snoring. I use earplugs when we’re on vacation, but at home, I don’t because I worry that I won’t be able to hear our girls if they need me. I also find white noise distracting and need a room to be quiet to get good sleep, so that strategy doesn’t work for me.
Sleeping Scandinavian-Style
Dr. Kaylor is also a big fan of sleeping Scandinavian-style, which means each person has their own comforter or duvet. Having separate bedding can reduce your partner feeling restless movements that they’d feel using one duvet and eliminate any bedding tug-of-war in the middle of the night, leading to better sleep. This method also means people can choose bedding that’s lighter or heavier depending on their sleeping temperature preferences.
Sleep Supplements
Other popular options that respondents of the Camino study have tried in an effort to get better sleep while sharing a bed include things like taking melatonin or magnesium or using cannabis products. At different points in my sleep journey, I’ve tried all three, and they’ve all helped me get better sleep.
Hindsight is 20/20, but I wish I would have gotten a sleep divorce sooner. Getting better, consistent sleep has made me a better mom and wife and even more appreciative of my husband, who helps me prioritize my well-being.
Elliott Harrell, Contributing Writer
Elliott is a mom of two little girls and is based in Raleigh, NC. She spends her days running a sales team and doing laundry and her nights writing about the things that she loves. She’s passionate about all things motherhood and women’s health. When she’s not working, writing or parenting you can find her trying a new restaurant in town or working on her latest needlepoint project.