I spent my 20s leaning into my career, my early 30s trying to get pregnant, and the last several years juggling work and motherhood. While each phase came with its own joys and struggles, it was my recent transition from being a working professional to a stay-at-home parent that really made me realize what matters in life—just not in the way you’d expect.
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My decision to stop working came when our family relocated for my husband’s job. He and I agreed we could survive on one income while I focused on getting the kids settled into their respective schools and building our community in a new city. Though I’d enjoyed my job, I looked forward to stepping away from it. As a working mother, I was accustomed to feeling pulled in a million different directions and I was excited about the idea of focusing my energy solely on my family.
How I Imagined Going From Working to Stay-at-Home Mom
I imagined how good it would feel to finally be on top of everything. No more rushing to daycare pickup and then to get dinner on the table, or trying to catch up on laundry on the weekends while also playing a game of Candy Land. Instead, I’d have time to cook healthy meals, plan enriching activities, and be present for my children’s every need, all while meditating regularly and wearing a stylish yet functional capsule wardrobe.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Source: ColorJoy Stock
How It Actually Was
When I was working, I had help. Someone else cleaned my house, and a combination of daycare and babysitters looked after my children from 8 a.m.-6 p.m., year-round. I also had my husband. As a dual-career family, we took conscious steps to keep our domestic responsibilities as balanced as possible. I did the meal planning while he handled the grocery shopping. He scheduled the kids’ activities and I bought the teacher appreciation gifts. If one of the kids came home sick from daycare, we compared schedules and then divided and conquered the day. Our arrangement felt like being part of a team, like I had someone to hand the baton to when I got a muscle cramp or needed a breather.
If being a working parent with a partner felt like being part of a relay team, I quickly discovered being a stay-at-home parent was more like running a marathon alone, every day, while carrying two children on my back.
If being a working parent with a partner felt like being part of a relay team, I quickly discovered being a stay-at-home parent was more like running a marathon alone, every day, while carrying two children on my back.
My job description was endless and ever-changing. School pickup and drop-off? That was me. Laundry? Also me. Cleaning the house, helping with homework, chaperoning field trips, taking the car to the shop, and making doctor appointments? Me, me, me, me, and me. Oh, and let’s not forget child care during all holidays and school breaks, plus summer vacation.
The Effects on My Mental and Physical Health
I struggled to fall asleep at night, my brain felt heavy with the guilt of the day’s uncompleted tasks. In the mornings I woke up early, my mind whirring with anxiety like I was sitting for a test I hadn’t studied for. (If Maria is 15 minutes early to her child’s dentist appointment in the hopes of getting to basketball practice 10 minutes late, did she buy enough nut-free granola bars for the class snack tomorrow?)
And yet, this was the gig I’d agreed to. I was the one with the time to take care of everything related to home and kids; the one with the freedom in my schedule to handle the unexpected day off school or six-hour arrival time window for the washing machine repair company.
So, I handled everything—at the expense of my mental and physical health. The kids made it to their regular doctor and dentist appointments while I put off my yearly cancer screenings and other health maintenance visits. I scheduled time to exercise, only to skip it to spend an hour on the phone unwinding an insurance billing mix-up. I told myself I’d be present and enjoy my kids after school, then I let them watch TV while I scrambled to make dinner.
Each week brought what felt like a new failure, and after several months I reached a breaking point. “It’s too much,” I told my husband. “I can’t do it all.”
Source: ColorJoy Stock
Lessons Learned From My Transition to Stay-at-Home Mom
What I’ve learned is that even without juggling a job outside the home, the demands of modern parenting are still too much for one person. The lack of systemic support for families exacerbates this challenge, with no paid family leave and a maternal health crisis that continues to worsen, especially for Black women. Add on the rising cost of raising children and it’s no wonder more people are opting out of having kids altogether.
For me, the most important lesson about staying home has not been “how fast it all goes” or that “motherhood is the most important job in the world.” Instead, I learned how much support I—and all mothers—really need, regardless of whether we are working or at-home parents.
The most important lesson about staying home has not been ‘how fast it all goes’ or that ‘motherhood is the most important job in the world.’ Instead, I learned how much support I—and all mothers—really need, regardless of whether we are working or at-home home parents.
These days I seek out as much help as I need, both paid labor and the support of my husband. I sleep much better knowing I’m not going it alone anymore. And while the majority of domestic responsibilities still fall on my shoulders, it feels good to be out of the marathon and back on the relay team.
