My post-baby sex life with my husband had just gotten back on track when number two came along. We were blindsided by how hard the transition from one to two kids was. Add on a year of nursing and general fatigue with sharing my body with other humans, and things had mostly ground to a halt in the bedroom.
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Even once everyone in the house was finally sleeping through the night and I had some energy again, having sex was the last way I wanted to spend it. Don’t get me wrong, I like sex and I’m attracted to my husband. And after the fact, I was always glad we’d done it. But leading up to it, it always felt like one more demand on my time and attention; something to check off my to-do list. So, when we did have sex it was always satisfying but not exactly, well, sexy.
Then came the ill-fated birthday present. My husband and I are not big gift givers. So when I saw how excited he looked as I opened my gift I assumed it must be something amazing.
It was lingerie. Not the tasteful, expensive kind worn by the cast of And Just Like That, but the cheap, tacky kind you’d see at a sad strip joint just off the interstate. My husband confessed to wanting to try some new things in the bedroom. Including dressing up and role-playing. My first reaction was a “you’ve got to be freaking kidding me” level of resentment. Now, on top of everything else I did all day at work and at home, I was also supposed to summon the energy to squeeze myself into tiny undergarments and act like a Playboy bunny? I managed some feigned enthusiasm and immediately shoved the box in the back of my closet.
The more I thought about it, though, the more selfish my reaction seemed. After all, he’d had enough courage to tell me his sexual fantasies. Maybe it wouldn’t kill me to indulge them once or twice, as a show of good faith in our marriage. And so, I added it to my to-do list. But I was not prepared for what happened once I checked it off the list.
I feel less inhibited
I’ve always felt a little tentative in the bedroom, even with trusted long-term partners. The judgmental voice that follows me around the rest of the day, questioning my competence as a mom/friend/employee/fill-in-the-blank, also joins me in the bedroom. “Not your best angle,” it reminds me. “Um, you’re not exactly Jennifer Lopez in Hustlers,” it says. “Just stay in your lane.”
Now, though, as part of my husband’s fantasies I was required to step outside my box. And these were his fantasies, not mine, so why not go all in? I was just doing what he wanted, after all. I was playing a role, and no one could judge me for that. Giving myself this permission resulted in a kind of freedom I’d never felt—and, unsurprisingly, some of the best sex I’d ever had.
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I feel more attractive
As the mother of two active young boys, I rarely have time to put on makeup in the morning. Or do anything more with my hair than pull it into a ponytail. And while I’ve always had a pretty positive body image, I don’t exactly consider myself a sexpot. I’m saggy in all the places you’d expect after having two kids. And my main workout these days is corralling my kids into bed. But after a few weeks of participating in my husband’s fantasies, I felt sexier.
With the new role I was playing in our sex life, I saw myself differently—and my husband did, too. The desire he expressed for me in the bedroom spilled over into daily life in the way he looked at me and touched me. The shift it caused in how I saw myself was fun and energizing.
I feel more connected to my husband
Sex itself is an act of vulnerability, and good sex even more so. There’s a high level of open communication that has to happen for both partners to come away sated. Spending more time with my husband in that state of vulnerability with honest communication strengthened our day-to-day bond. Whereas our relationship had sometimes felt like a logistics puzzle, or an endless negotiation about domestic responsibilities, now we feel connected in a way that’s deeper than our shared calendar.
I feel more confident asking for what I want
Since pushing my sexual inhibition mostly to the side, I’ve been more vocal about what I want in our sex life. We’ve started an open conversation about our needs and desires that will hopefully last a lifetime. This new confidence also extends beyond the bedroom. For me, talking about what I want from intimacy and sex is one of the hardest things. Now that I’m doing it regularly, asking for what I want in other areas of my life, such as professionally or with friends and family, is much easier.
Today, the box of lingerie that I’d once shoved to the back of the closet has its own special place in one of my drawers. And we’ve added to it based on our ongoing conversation about our sex life. So while this year I’m hoping for something different for my birthday—spa day, anyone?—that box will forever remain one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.
