When my oldest son was born, I noticed all the unexpected ways people showed up for me. My parents spent the first week with us, my in-laws brought gifts, and my friends brought food and coffee. But it was my mom friends, the ones who had walked the path before me, who knew exactly what I needed. Not because they knew me better as a person, but because they had lived this experience before. They knew what actually made a difference in those vulnerable weeks of becoming a first-time mom.
Going through a divorce has been different. I haven’t experienced the same support as I did when I had my kids. Not because my people love me any less now, but because no one close to me has personally experienced divorce, so they don’t know exactly how to help. Here’s what I wish my friends knew about divorce, and how best to support a newly divorced mom in your life.
Read More:
- What Adult Children of Divorce Wish They Could Tell Their Parents Now
- Divorce Is Hard: Here’s How I’m Using ChatGPT to Get Through It
Grief and Relief Can Coexist
Getting divorced can be the right decision and still be incredibly hard. Some days I’m thriving. I feel like I’m the best version of myself and a better mother. And other days I can barely get out of bed. What makes a divorce different than other grief is wrestling with the fact that you chose it. Sometimes I feel like choosing myself and my happiness negatively affects my kids, and that guilt is unbearable. Months later, there are still days when the guilt and grief overtake me.
“Sometimes I feel like choosing myself and my happiness negatively affects my kids, and that guilt is unbearable.”
Being Away From My Kids Isn’t A Break
From the outside looking in, I understand why it would seem like the times I don’t have my kids feel like a break. And as a mom who felt like a single married parent more times than I want to admit, I thought it might too. But to be honest, it never does. I’m either recovering from the exhaustion of parenting alone, catching up on all the things I couldn’t get done, or missing my kids so much that I can barely function. The house is quieter, but my thoughts are deafening.
I Still Want To Be Invited
When a relationship ends, it inevitably changes friendships. It can be awkward, and it feels easier not to invite the newly single friend to events. Either I have my kids, so you don’t want to invite me to an adult evening, or I don’t have them, so it seems like you’re sparing my feelings when the families get together. But at the end of the day, it always feels good to be included. Like my entire identity didn’t revolve around my marriage.
But please don’t get your feelings hurt if I can’t or don’t come when invited. It’s harder to do things alone. Sometimes being around intact families is too painful. But the invitation is always appreciated.
Your Presence Matters
One of the hardest parts about going through a divorce is grieving the life you thought you were going to have. The family vacations, the holidays spent together, and the memories you thought you’d keep making. But what I didn’t expect was losing so many friendships too.
Sometimes people don’t know what to say, so they stop reaching out, or they assume you need space. Sometimes their lives just keep moving on when it feels like your world stopped. And while I don’t think people intend to disappear, losing friends feels like losing another piece of the life you thought you’d have.
I wish my married friends realized that it doesn’t matter what they say; it matters that they stay. Don’t stop texting or checking in. Don’t let discomfort turn our friendship into another casualty of divorce.
“I wish my married friends realized that it doesn’t matter what they say; it matters that they stay.”
Solo Parenting Isn’t Always Harder, But It Is Lonelier
Before getting divorced, I assumed parenting alone would be impossible. And it is hard. Every decision, every bedtime, every chore falls on me. But the parenting itself isn’t necessarily the hardest part. The loneliness is. There’s no one to laugh with when my toddler says a word wrong. Or someone to tag in when I’m touched out. There’s no one to remind me that I’m a good mom even if I lose my cool.
If you have a friend navigating parenting alone, tell her she’s doing a good job. Ask about her kids. Let her tell you the funny stories, show you the cute photos, or be a sounding board in tough moments. Sometimes what she needs most isn’t advice. It’s someone to remind her that she’s not raising her kids alone, even if she’s parenting them on her own.
Talking Bad About My Ex Doesn’t Help
When people criticize my ex, they think they’re standing up for me. But no matter what happened in our marriage, he is still the father of my kids, and I am working hard to build a healthy co-parenting relationship. Hearing him torn down makes me want to defend him, which puts me in a confusing headspace. I’m still trying to make sense of how someone I built a family with can turn into a stranger I share my kids with. So, even when I need to vent, I don’t need you to convince me he’s a terrible person or that I’m better off alone. I just need you to listen.
When I became a mom, the women who had gone before me instinctively knew how to show up in that season. They knew when to hold the baby so I could shower versus when to fold my laundry while I asked about wake windows. They knew when to bring dinner or when to encourage me to get out of the house. Divorce doesn’t come with the same support village, but it should. But if you’re reading this and someone in your life is walking through it, maybe now you’ll know that it doesn’t matter what you say; it matters that you stayed.
Have a friend or family member getting divorced? Check out more meaningful ways to support someone going through a divorce.
