The moment my daughter turned two, it started. Other parents, friends, family—we all began hearing gentle warnings about the “terrible twos,” filled with anticipation and dread about what was sure to be a nightmarish year of tantrums, stubbornness, and sleepless nights. But, at least in our case, those terrible twos never came.
Instead, those behaviors we’d been warned about? They came at 3, and those “big feelings” came fast and furious. Our sweet-natured little kid turned into a screaming monster the moment we handed her a cup that was “not the pink one she wanted.” Honestly, though, we took it all in stride. As a parent, it can be frustrating (more than frustrating at times) to deal with, but I also knew it was totally normal.
But I wasn’t prepared for these behaviors to seep into school and lead me through one of the most defeating periods of my parental life so far. I wanted to get a professional’s take on my 3-year-old’s behavior problems at preschool, so I spoke with Laura Todd, a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, Infant and Early Childhood Mental Health Specialist, and Perinatal Mental Health-Certified, about what parents should do in this kind of situation.
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Laura Todd, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Laura is a licensed professional clinical counselor, infant and early childhood mental health specialist, and perinatal mental health certified. She uses evidence-based practices on child development and parenting, such as child-parent psychotherapy and positive parenting program, to help clients feel more confident and aligned with their parenting values when raising young children.
Dealing with behavior problems in preschool
I can already hear you reading this and asking yourself, “What’s the big deal?” And, yes, a 3-year-old dealing with very 3-year-old behavior in preschool doesn’t seem like a problem from an outside perspective. I certainly thought so! But when you’re in it, demoralizing is the only word I can use to describe it.
Daycare worked for our family in the past
Let me back up a bit. My daughter has been in daycare since she was about 3 months old. My husband and I both work full-time, which led us down the daycare path—one we took without knowing much about it. As nervous as we were about putting her in childcare at that early age, we soon found that she thrived in the environment. She was social, learned essential skills of being around others, and (not to brag) was a favorite among the teachers. Despite the constant illnesses as a common side effect, daycare worked for our family.
Issues began at preschool
This past summer, we ended up moving, taking her away from the daycare she had grown up in. It was a hard adjustment, but one that seemed to be smoothing out a few months in. Her new daycare began preschool classes this past fall, and that’s when we started to see a behavior change. Suddenly, the kid who had been the teacher’s favorite was getting a lot of feedback about not being able to keep her hands to herself, not listening to directions, and showing a wild amount of energy.
While we saw some of these behaviors at home (namely, the lack of listening), quite a bit of it was foreign to us, not matching up with the kid we were seeing. While her teacher emphasized that none of the behavior she was seeing was malicious, getting feedback that our child was having trouble every day for weeks was taking its toll. As a parent, how could I not feel defeated or demoralized?
A child psychologist weighs in on preschool behavior problems
The rational part of me knows that I should take all of this feedback in stride. I know her age, the changes of moving, and a predisposition to ADHD are all likely culprits. We’ve taken her teacher’s feedback, working hand in hand with her to work on these behaviors at home, so we can be on the same page with the school.
Stay consistent at home and at school
“If [your] toddler is experiencing behavioral issues, [you] should be in open communication with the teachers and director at the school to make sure that they are managing the behaviors appropriate[ly] and [that] they align with how the parents are also handling the issues at home as well,” Todd shared. “Toddlers require consistency, predictability, clear, and concise directives in order to learn these skills, such as listening and keeping their hands to themselves.”
“Toddlers require consistency, predictability, clear, and concise directives in order to learn these skills, such as listening and keeping their hands to themselves.”
Use books and games to reinforce learning
Todd also noted another practice for parents, one that we’ve implemented at home—books. Specifically, she shared that books and games that help toddlers practice these skills can be helpful to do when they’re calm, versus trying to teach them when an incident has already happened.
In addition, parents and school can integrate books and games that help toddlers practice these skills when they are calm and regulated, versus trying to teach them when an incident has already happened and they are emotionally dysregulated.
Start early
To see progress, she also recommended consistency and that solving these issues earlier has benefits. “It can take years of practice and developmental growth from their toddler before they can see progress,” she said. “I would also remind them that [parents] can either deal with these issues now or when the child is older. If they end up dealing with it when they are older, then it is much harder to manage and teach them these skills. It’s not impossible, but much harder.”
How much should I worry about my 3-year-old’s behavior?
Whether it’s due to this being my older child, or knowing that there is a family history of ADHD and neurodivergency, I will admit to also wondering—is this all an early sign? The easy answer is that, at age 3, it’s impossible to really know.
However, Todd shared that there are signs to look for. “The key to understanding if a child could have early signs of ADHD symptoms is if the same behaviors are seen in multiple settings and not just in one specific setting,” she said. “Some signs you want to look for are: difficulty paying attention or avoidance of activities that require focus, excessively restless, more disruptive than their peers, acting impulsively, especially if it is a safety risk, and frequent aggressive behaviors.”
The truth is that, as a parent, and a discouraged one at that, I think what I want are easy answers for what is happening. The reality is that there likely isn’t just one cause, and putting in the work long term is our best solution. As discouraging as it can be to have talks with my daughter’s teacher, at the end of the day, I know the best thing I can do is keep an open line of communication between my daughter, her teacher, and my husband so we can continue to help her in the best way we can.
It’s frustrating, demoralizing, and (hopefully, over time) rewarding. So, I guess you could say, it’s parenthood in a nutshell.
Morgan Flaherty, Contributing Writer
Morgan is full-time writer, editor, and mom. She lives in Florida with her husband, daughter, and one very sassy cat. Along with her work as a contributing writer for The Everymom, her writing has appeared in Well + Good, InStyle, Scary Mommy, Byrdie, and Baby Chick.
