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Let’s be real. After a busy day of making breakfast, getting the kids ready for the day, school drop-off, working, school pick-up, prepping dinner, helping with homework, cleaning up the house, and getting everyone off to bed, the last thing on our minds is being intimate with a partner. Who can blame us? By the time the day is done, we’re exhausted and ready for bed ourselves. But being a mom doesn’t mean you have to throw in the towel on a fantastic sex life (moms have needs, too—am I right?).
Ultimately, it is nice to reconnect with your partner and remember why you like each other in the first place. It’s easy for those feelings to get buried under the stress of parenting. You may just need a little help getting in the right headspace, and that’s okay. To help spice things up after the kids go to bed (or anytime, really), we’re sharing 10 tips for keeping things steamy with your partner.
1. Consider using lube
Lube is one of the most underrated (and under-appreciated) tools you can have in your bedroom, especially after becoming a parent. Bodies change, energy levels fluctuate, and jumping straight from kid duty to intimacy isn’t always easy. So, that’s where lube comes in. While some people rely on it for comfort, the truth is that lube can make intimacy better for everyone by reducing discomfort and increasing pleasure—AKA helping you stay present and connected during those precious kid-free moments.
If you’re not sure where to start, K-Y Yours + Mine Lube* is one of those trusted options we love recommending. Designed specifically with couples in mind, the duo lets you tailor the experience to what feels good for both of you, whether that’s prioritizing comfort, enhancing sensation, or leaning into a little extra playfulness. It’s an easy, no-pressure way to normalize lube as part of a healthy, evolving sex life (because nothing about intimacy needs to stay frozen in time). If prioritizing your relationship is on your to-do list after bedtime, this is a small addition that can make a big difference.
*Consult a doctor before use if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or trying to conceive.
2. Update your foreplay
Foreplay is more than just a precursor. It gets your body excited and ready to enjoy this time with your partner. Try something new, such as an oil massage or playing a fun game (more on this below). Being intimate is just as much of a mental act as it is physical. It can be hard to focus on the task at hand when you’re still thinking about the hundred things you have to do the next day. Think of foreplay as a warm-up to get your mind in the right space for connecting.
4. Schedule sex
Although it might seem weird or routine, scheduling sex is actually a great way to ensure you and your partner connect, regardless of how tired you are at the end of the night. Whether you put it on your shared calendar or choose specific days during the week, you’ll know when you wake up that morning what’s to come later on, and you can spend the day getting yourself in the right mindset.
When you schedule a day, remind your partner. And not just because you’re both likely to forget (which is true), but to build up the anticipation even further. Text them the morning of, or talk about it over breakfast (in code, obviously). Allow you both to get excited to have sex.
4. Get out of the bedroom
Sometimes the easiest way to break out of a slump is simply getting out of the bedroom. Once the kids are in bed, you have an entire house or apartment to yourselves—make use of it! Whether it’s in the shower (the slippery factor is a little difficult, but we believe in you), the kitchen, the car (all those high school make-out memories), there are a lot of ways to get creative.
Whether you and your partner browse a store or website together (great bonding time), or you pick something up to surprise them, there’s something out there for you both. Adding toys to your relationship can be a bit intimidating, but if you’re on the same page, it can be a great tool for getting you and your partner out of a rut.
6. Track your sex life
It’s easy to go a few weeks without even touching your partner if you both live very busy lives. Apps like Nice Sex Tracker and Clue (for period tracking) both have options to keep track in a calendar view of your sex life. If your stats dip, you know to start doing some of these tricks to boost them up. You can also totally use your planner or regular iCal for this, but you might want to come up with a code (a fun emoji, perhaps?!) if you’re afraid of other people seeing.
7. Don’t be afraid of quickies
Intimacy doesn’t have to be in a bed surrounded by lit candles and rose petals. It can be just as exciting when it’s out of the blue or spontaneous and doesn’t go all night long. Try doing it in the morning instead of at night or when the kids are napping. It doesn’t have to take hours to be fun for both of you.
8. Actually wear your lingerie
How often do you buy lingerie only to let it slide to the back of your drawer and see the light of day approximately two days a year (V-Day and birthdays)? You’re not alone, but instead of getting in that same routine, make a point to actually wear your lingerie. Wear your favorite bra and panty set under your outfit, or wear your bodysuit with a pair of jeans and a blazer for a dinner date. Incorporating it into your regular routine can help you feel more comfortable and even boost your confidence.
If you don’t own any lingerie, try to find something that fits your personality and comfort level. Oftentimes, we have this idea of what lingerie is supposed to look like, but there are so many kinds out there. From casual lacy sets to dramatic nightgowns (right up your alley, historical romance readers). We love Savage X Fenty, ASOS, Nasty Gal, Nordstrom, and yes, even Amazon.
Your intimate life can often be a larger indicator of what’s going on in your relationship. If you’re having trouble connecting physically, find ways to improve communication and get closer to your partner emotionally. The easiest way to do this is to cultivate gratitude. Thank them for the little things, like doing the dishes or cooking even the simplest of weeknight dinners.
In the same vein, implement that same gratitude in your intimate life. Remind your partner what you enjoy and what you like. Tell them that you’re grateful that they prioritize your physical connection, too. You can do this through flirty texts as part of foreplay, during sex, or after.
10. Play a sex game
Let go of the idea that being intimate is just a line item at the end of the night. Make your evening focused on connecting, and release yourself from the mindset that sex is just another task to cross off your to-do list. After the kids go to bed, light the candles right away, run a bath, put on your lingerie, and play a game with your partner.
Classic strip poker (take off an item of clothing every time you lose—I love playing this with Uno) is always a good one, but we also love truth or dare. Touch the other person, while the other lies still, and see how long they can go without “breaking.” Or make something up that works for you. Again, get creative here and see what you come up with. At the end of the day, the more you focus on enjoying each other’s company (and remembering who you both are besides parents), the more natural it will feel to engage in intimacy.
Beth Gillette is a former editor at The Everygirl, where she specialized in beauty content and covered the latest trends in sex and relationships. Beth spent four years as part of The Everygirl’s editorial staff and is currently a beauty editor at Cosmopolitan.
As the Branded Content Editorial Assistant, McKenna collaborates with our sales team by creating both written and social media content, collecting and analyzing performance data to report back to our partners, and assisting our editors with their everyday tasks to ensure a smooth and productive process.
