The biggest ah-ha about one of my clients’ sex lives happened when she was in the middle of a girls’ weekend in the mountains. The trip had taken months to plan because scheduling a girl’s trip with her college besties was like Tetris between work, school, and kids. When she told me the story of what happened, I wasn’t surprised. As a sex therapist, I’ve heard it so many times.
After a few too many glasses of wine, one friend started to feel bold. They were talking about their spouses, and she could tell her friend was starting to feel a little fired up. Not in a bad way, but in a “I have to get this off my chest” way. She huffed out a big sigh and said, “I love my husband so much, but does anybody ever get tired of going through the motions because sex kind of feels like a chore?”
Crickets. A few of them shot quick, awkward glances at each other. The others just stared into their wine glasses. But then something really interesting happened: the majority of them said, “OMG yesssss.”
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A familiar scenario among friends
It was like the floodgates opened, and everybody was talking about how sex isn’t super fun anymore. They love their husbands and want them to be happy, but with so much exhaustion and stress, sex is the last thing on their minds. My client told me the relief in her room full of friends was palpable.
But while it was validating in that moment that she wasn’t the only one struggling with not being in the mood, this wasn’t a happy ending for her. Because she was lying in her twin bed that night, just staring at the ceiling. She was wide awake, replaying this conversation.
She was confused because it did feel like a relief in the moment. But the second her head hit the pillow, she thought about all the ways she was struggling with this: making excuses, pulling away from all affection for fear it’ll lead to more, feeling guilty every time she rejects her husband. She realized that while it felt nice to bond over that, it wasn’t the type of thing she wanted to bond over. And the fact that they were all struggling left her feeling hopeless, and weirdly, more alone.
Accepting that a low sex drive is just a part of life
Her friends are in great relationships, but she had no idea they were struggling like she was. She started to feel really hopeless that night because she thought that these women had it together and were happy. And the real kicker was that since so many of them were struggling with the same stress of low desire, she started to feel like this is “just how it is” for women, and to worry she was going to have to find a way to “just deal with this” for the rest of her marriage.
“She started to feel like this is ‘just how it is’ for women and to worry she was going to have to find a way to ‘just deal with this’ for the rest of her marriage.”
And this is how friends accidentally destroy each other’s sex lives. Talk about a buzzkill on what was supposed to be a fun, relaxing weekend away.
Sharing struggles is just one part of the puzzle
It can feel validating to share our struggles with our closest friends. But if they’re struggling too, nobody actually gets unstuck. We’re just commiserating about how much this sucks. Which is not a solution!
As a sex therapist, I’ve worked with enough women over the last decade to see this pattern happen over and over again. While sex feeling like a chore is common, it’s not normal, and I told my client she didn’t just have to accept that this was her life now.
“While sex feeling like a chore is common, it’s not normal, and I told my client she didn’t just have to accept that this was her life now.”
There was nothing wrong with her that this was happening. There was nothing wrong with her friends that this was happening. But it did suck, and she didn’t want to live her life feeling guilty, on edge, or obligated to have sex.
What’s missing from the sex drive conversation
Unfortunately, many women aren’t taught about how their sex drive actually works. And when I say we weren’t taught, I mean the basics: the fact that most women aren’t wired to just randomly want sex the way we see in movies, or that getting in the mood the moment your partner initiates isn’t real life, or that stress and exhaustion are literal biological libido blockers, not just excuses. This stuff impacts your sex drive.
Which makes sense, right? If sex feels like a chore, you’re not going to be super jazzed to do it. I mean, who loves chores? They were trying to force their bodies to get in the mood instead of working with them, which is super common when women don’t know how their bodies actually get turned on. None of the women in that room was at fault for struggling. There is a gap in what women are taught about their own bodies. But just talking about how much this sucks isn’t usually helpful. The conversations need an upgrade.
Normalize a new conversation with friends
I’m not saying don’t talk to your friends about this. I think we should all be talking about sex MORE! Let’s normalize talking about low sex drive so it doesn’t feel so weird and awkward. But I am advocating for different conversations with your female friends. Instead of “me too, this sucks,” ask each other, “Did you figure out what actually helps?” Or instead of “sex feels like a chore for me too,” ask “what actually makes it better for you?” Every woman’s sex drive is different, but that’s exactly what we should be talking about: Curiosity about what works instead of commiseration about what doesn’t.
My client felt temporary relief that she wasn’t alone in front of that fireplace, but she didn’t leave that cabin with answers. She actually felt way worse because her friends couldn’t tell her what type of sex drive she has, what it responds to, and how to actually make the experience better for her. But she left my office the following week with something way better: She actually understood what her body needed for the first time. And every woman deserves that, too.
“Instead of ‘sex feels like a chore for me too’ ask ‘what’s actually made it better for you?’ Every woman’s sex drive is different, but that’s exactly what we should be talking about.”
Understanding your sex desire type can be a first step
Your friends are great, and they love you, but if they’re anything like the majority of women, they don’t know a lot about sex. No hate, that’s just the reality, because nobody teaches us this stuff. They don’t necessarily have the answer because they’re missing the same piece you are. Commiserating feels good for like five minutes. Actually understanding your sex drive and what you need to enjoy sex again changes everything.
“Commiserating feels good for like five minutes. Actually understanding your sex drive and what you need to enjoy sex again changes everything.”
So, as a sex therapist, here’s what I want for you: I want you to be the person in your friend group who actually has answers. Not just “ugh me too, same,” but real ones. The kind that means you’re not lying awake at 2 a.m., staring at the ceiling, feeling like this is just your life now. Because it doesn’t have to be.
I’ve seen so many women have their “OMG I’m not broken” moment once they finally understand their sex drive that I created a free two-minute quiz to help you figure out your desire type. That cabin conversation had the potential to make the group feel seen and heard—but also offer something beyond commiseration. Why not be the friend to try a different approach?
Erinn Hoel, Contributing Writer
As a sex therapist with 10 years’ experience, Erinn created the Desire to Fire Method to help women stop dreading sex and start actually wanting it (and enjoying it) again. When she’s not showing women diagrams of the clitoris, you can find her on a running trail (flat ones only, no hills) or adding books to a ‘to-read’ list that is completely out of control.
