"There are few decisions more daunting or exciting than the one to start a family. Determining whether or not to add children to the mix is as terrifying as it is exhilarating. And if you decide to take that epic plunge and welcome a child into your heart and home, you may then be faced with yet another bigger-than-life decision: How many more?
Families grow in different ways—from pregnancy and birth to surrogacy to adoption. I’m fortunate that my husband and I have had the privilege of growing our family with relative ease—a fact I’m grateful for every time I look upon my children’s smiling faces. The number of children we have has always felt somewhat within our control—including the decision to have a third child.
We Initially Planned to Have Two Children
To be clear, I didn’t always want to be a mom. In fact, it wasn’t until after my husband and I were married that I began to even entertain the notion. But while I had spent much of my life believing I’d never have or raise a child, I did also make a quiet resolution within myself that if I were to change my mind, I would (if I could) have at least two. I myself have a brother and always appreciated having a sibling growing up. For me, it was “zero or two.” And then things changed.
I struggled through my first pregnancy as much as a by-the-books “healthy” pregnant person can struggle. There were zero health concerns, and my unborn child was thriving, but I was absolutely miserable. I suffered from extreme nausea and vomiting that later transitioned into raging heartburn and rapid weight gain. Occurring during the height of the pandemic, let’s just say I wasn’t exactly having a great time.
And then, because we knew we wanted two kids, I powered through a second pregnancy less than a year later. “You can do this,” I kept telling myself. “This is it. You’ll never have to do this again.” And then, well, things changed.
After our youngest turned 1, and we found ourselves coming out of “survival mode,” my husband and I both began to question whether or not we were truly done having kids. We had occasionally mentioned the possibility of a third child, but only in the offhanded kind of way one does when something feels distant and largely irrelevant. But that far-off possibility we had previously thrown around in passing discussion suddenly felt like a very real decision we were being called to make.
A Third Child Was a Big Decision—Here’s How We Finally Made It
It took about nine months after our youngest turned 1 to finally feel confident in our decision and—ultimately—comfortable trying for a third child. As I write this, I’m approximately 20 weeks pregnant with the baby in question. Here’s how we finally made that decision.
We Envisioned Our Future Selves
And I don’t just mean the 60- and 70-year-old versions of ourselves. My husband and I began by picturing five years down the road. At this point, we had talked about the possibility of a third child enough times to realize we might regret our decision should we choose to stop at two. My husband—10 years my senior—is always particularly conscious of his age when engaging in family planning conversations. Neither of us are getting any younger, after all. If we were going to have a third child, we wanted it to be now and not five years from now when we may be feeling regretful.
“Neither of us are getting any younger, after all. If we were going to have a third child, we wanted it to be now and not five years from now when we may be feeling regretful.”
Our ages aside, we also recognized that we were currently very comfortable and familiar with “the baby phase.” We figured it made sense to roll the dice now while everything felt fresh in our minds and our daily routine could (relatively easily) accommodate a baby.
And OK, yeah—there is a romantic part of me that just really enjoys thinking about my 60-year-old self welcoming my three adult children home for Thanksgiving dinner. When compared with the mental picture of two, that of three felt more complete.
We Love Seeing Our Children Bond
We’re fortunate to have two beautiful, healthy children. And while at 2 and 4 years of age, we’re entering the “Mommy, he/she’s touching me/talking to me/breathing in my direction” phase, the beautiful moments far outweigh the challenging ones. In our decision-making, the thought of watching our would-be almost-3- and almost-5-year-olds welcome home a newborn baby was just too tempting to resist. The bond between the two of them is so special. So we wanted to give them another lifelong companion if we could.
The Reasons to Not Have a Third Child Just Weren’t Good Enough
I’ll admit that there are plenty of aspects about having a third child that just weren’t all that appealing to me when our decision discussions began. In fact, one afternoon I went on a full-on complaining rant. I lamented to my husband that I didn’t want to endure morning sickness again. That I didn’t want to have to deal with body changes and hormones. I also didn’t want to give up sleep during the newborn phase or have to wait another two years before finally taking the family to Disney World.
But even as the complaints came out of my mouth, I knew they were small and realized through exorcising them that I was simultaneously accepting a new reality. Morning sickness and pregnancy hormones don’t last forever, and—giving myself a pat on the back here—I’ve historically proven to be very skilled at sleep training.
The challenges that were top of mind for me were also some of (what I would describe as) the silliest. After all, all aforementioned struggles are temporary. Once I purged the negative thoughts and feelings from my system, I was fully on board to try for baby number three. In fact, I’m pretty sure I ordered prenatal and B6 vitamins that very same day.
We Organized the Challenges and Prioritized The Big Picture
My husband and I often discuss how parenthood is our life purpose. And I don’t mean our shared life purpose as a couple. We as individuals both strongly believe that parenthood is our calling and the venture that gives our lives meaning. Sure, we both have interesting careers and hobbies that fill our time, but we believe the reason we’re here is to be good parents who raise healthy children that grow to lead purposeful and fulfilling lives. That may not be true for everyone, but because it’s true for us, we knew we would never regret adding one more child to our family.
Will it be challenging? Of course. We will soon have another mouth to feed and another soul to nurture. And we don’t currently have a great plan for how we’re going to balance two demanding jobs, school and daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, hobbies, and everything else in between. But we’ll figure it out. To make our decision, we had to step out of the everyday whirlwind and think of the big picture.
A Reminder That Few Things in Life Are “Final”
I grew up raised on what I now recognize as a black-and-white mentality. Things were either this or that. If you were done with something, then that was that—time to start a new chapter. But life experience (particularly parenthood) has taught me that so few things in life are truly final. Even when my husband and I were leaning toward not trying for a third child, we still acknowledged that we might change our minds five years down the road. Or even later in life! We’ve never taken the possibility of adoption off the table.
Everyone has to make their own decisions on their own timeframe, using the information available to them in that moment. But circumstances change, and planning can only get you so far. You can run the numbers, forecast the future, and seek guidance from those you trust. At the end of the day, every decision we make is a risk—a leap of faith. While the decision to have a third child was never in my master plan, my gut instinct told me I had to readjust. Halfway through my pregnancy with baby number three, her tiny kicks now a daily companion, I’m so glad I listened.
Emilee Janitz, Contributing Writer
Emilee is an accomplished communications strategist and lifestyle journalist. She currently works on the content team at Enterprise SEO company Terakeet where she creates and executes reputation management strategies for Fortune 500 companies. She is a Contributing Fashion Writer for The Everygirl and has additionally been published on POPSUGAR, Motherly, MSN, and Yahoo.