All around the world, people were watching the Oscars. But it wasn’t for the timeless award show. Rather it was to experience the shock and disbelief that actor Will Smith walked on stage and slapped Chris Rock after he made a tasteless G.I. Jane 2 joke about Will’s wife, Jada Pinkett Smith. The audience, and even Will, let out a chuckle before it seemed to sink in that Jada—who has been open about her struggle with alopecia—was hurt by the joke.
After the altercation, Will yelled, “Keep my wife’s name out your f**king mouth!” from his seat in the audience. American television was quick to censor the incident, but thanks to social media we were able to access the entire clip and everyone began analyzing the entire scene.
The consensus in conversation seemed to be that violence is wrong, but many wanted to know why Will was allowed to stay for the entire award show without consequences. Others wanted charges pressed immediately for the horrendous assault, while some applauded Will for standing up for his wife.
As a parent who was tuned in with her children for all updates and performances related to our family favorite movie, Encanto, I was surprised. But as a Woman of Color, I was a little more taken aback by the willingness of many who were ready to throw him under the bus from one lapse in judgment.
Yes, violence is bad, but there is a much more nuanced discussion to be had. Here are the lessons from this high-profile moment I’m talking about with my kids.
1. We should strive to express our feelings and resolve conflict without violence.
Part of being human is experiencing strong emotions like anger, shame, and sadness. It is our job as parents to guide our children to cope with these emotions in a healthy way, particularly in situations where they cannot reach a trusted adult and may be under stress.
While it is important to teach children that they should never resort to violence, it is particularly important to teach BIPOC kids to handle complex emotions, because they may be judged differently for their reactions than their white peers.
How can we do this?
From a young age, parents can teach their children how to identify their own emotions and others with books, television, and play-acting with toys. Practicing at home from the moment they throw a toy on the ground, or hit a sibling, is the perfect way to help set boundaries for what is an acceptable way to express one’s anger or frustration and what is not. Using the Oscars scenario as a talking point can be a great example for children and teens to learn what not to do. Parents can explain why Will was upset, talk about his actions, and what the consequences are (as of publication, public criticism and a formal review by the Academy of Motion Pictures, Arts and Sciences).
Modeling conflict resolution in the heat of the moment with your partner is another way to teach children. Whether it is an argument about taking the trash out or about something more serious, it can be extremely valuable for children to see their parents get angry or sad, show how they cope with those feelings, and resolve the conflict. Children are sponges and they will often emulate what their parents do, so remember to avoid yelling, name calling, or aggression in day-to-day life.
Instead, try to talk things through and explain what everyone can work on. Try framing conversations like the example below:
I feel _____________________ because ________________________. Next time, can we ______________________.
2. Calling the cops on a Black man can make things worse.
As a Mother of Color, I was honestly very taken aback by the amount of people who thought Chris Rock and others should have called the police on Will Smith. For anyone aware of how Black men are treated in our country’s criminal justice system, calling the police on a Black man could cost them their life. Luckily, Will has enormous privilege as a celebrity that affords him certain protections.
But Black and Brown children in America cannot afford to make mistakes like their white counterparts. A 16-year study based on U.S. Census Bureau data shows that of hundreds killed by firearm injuries sustained from law enforcement, a disproportionate number of those individuals are Children of Color. Findings show that Black boys were six times more likely and Hispanic children were three times more likely to be shot than white children.
Black men have been victims of police brutality for years, and it can be life-threatening to call the cops on a situation that could be mediated by other means. When teaching children about the consequences to certain behaviors, like violence, it is important to take in consideration how they will be treated if police are called. Parents of Children of Color have the dual burden to teach their children not only to avoid violence, but also how to behave if and when police intervention is called.
We need to give our children “The Talk” that explains that, yes, police officers are supposed to help keep them safe, but that is not always the case. Cops are human and some may have conscious or unconscious biases that have influenced their treatment of BIPOC men, women, and children in America.
3. Certain punchlines are off-limits, and we should not cross those lines for laughs.
While it seemed like most of us could agree that violence is not the answer, others were micro-analyzing Will’s actions and his “right” to behave that way after laughing at the Oscars joke about his wife. Jada Pinkett Smith has been open about her difficult experience with hair-loss due to alopecia, making Chris’s joke about her appearance inappropriate and especially sensitive.
Some people lose hair due to age, but some women in the Black community are prone to traction alopecia due to the hair being pulled tight for extended periods, often in braided hairstyles.
For Black women, it is not “just hair,” it’s an integral part of their identity and culture. Black haircare has been part of ancestral traditions for millenia, and it’s important to know the history. For example, in the early 15th century, slaves were forced to have their heads shaved as first steps to erase their signature hair.
Regardless of Jada’s condition, it is important to teach children that certain ‘jokes’ are not acceptable, especially when it focuses on a person’s physical appearance, medical condition, race, or religion. They need to know the difference between a good-hearted ribbing and hurtful joking. And the importance of respecting each others’ boundaries.
4. Having a disability does not excuse responsibility.
In 2020, Chris opened up about childhood trauma and his non-verbal learning (NVLD) diagnosis as an adult after a series of cognitive tests and he explained that it meant he has challenges with understanding nonverbal signals in social settings. Knowing that those with NVLD can have difficulty understanding body language, social cues, and humor, is especially important to the discussion of the Oscars moment.
As arguments go on about the righteousness of Will, others argue to excuse Chris’s behavior due to his nonverbal learning disorder or NVLD. The question that has been posed online is, why aren’t we talking about Chris’s learning disorder?
And, I have to agree. The situation on live television is important for parents to discuss with children, but especially those with children who have difficulty with social cues. As a parent with a child with autism who struggles to identify emotions and cues from others, I could easily pick up Chris’s confusion.
Although I (and many others) sympathize with him, I would like to reiterate that that doesn’t erase Chris’s responsibility. With ongoing speculation as to whether he wrote the joke or not, he still chose to deliver it.
When my son is interacting with his peers at school or at the playground and he says something that hurts someone, it is his responsibility to apologize and learn from his mistake. It is also our responsibility to practice for public interactions by rehearsing what are acceptable topics of conversation with others, something that Chris should have done with his jokes for national television. And, of course, it’s important to also have regular conversations about how violence is never the answer in any situation.
Now that Will publicly apologized, hopefully Chris will follow suit and we all can move on and learn from this experience. As Jada posted yesterday on her Instagram account, “This is a season for healing and I am here for it.”
