"I have a confession. As a mom of a toddler and a baby, I found myself jealous of my husband and how he was able to carve out free time for himself.
The season of being a parent to little kids can feel overwhelming. There are endless lists that run in my head. From the never-ending piles of laundry to making mental notes of where my son placed his toys—because I know he’ll ask me where he put his dinosaur that I didn’t touch—to combatting ‘mommy brain.’ Sometimes, the thought of even taking a minute for myself seems impossible. I often feel guilty about it.
While it can be easy, I didn’t want to stay in the space of jealousy and resentment towards my husband. So, what did I do? I went to him, and we talked about it. How was he doing this, and how do I do the same for myself? My husband is a wonderful father—he’s a millennial dad. What he figured out way before I did is that, as a busy and overstimulated parent, making time for himself is crucial to being a good dad. If you find yourself jealous of your husband or partner’s free time, here are ways I’ve managed to find alone time and not feel guilty about it.
I communicated with my partner about my needs
Psychologist Dr. Christina Hibbert emphasizes that not allowing yourself to have alone time comes with consequences, like “depression, anxiety, burnout, and stress.” She adds there are also physical consequences, like headaches and being at higher risk of illness. This can lead to an overall poor health.
Oof—I’ve had a lot of moments where I feel guilty and deny the chance to be alone and have time to myself, but why?
The message we are often fed as mothers is that in order to be a ‘good’ mom, you have to be completely selfless. This is something I struggle with from time to time, but I know I don’t have to completely lose myself to be a good mom to my kids. I think it’s the wrong message to send to moms.
The best thing I did was talk to my husband about how I was feeling. In the middle of meltdowns and the demands of being a parent, we remind each other that we’re on the same team. This includes vocalizing when we need help—and in this case, I needed help from him to continue to remind and encourage me that stepping away, even if it’s only for a short time, is beneficial to my overall well-being.
How to find free time without the guilt
If you’re someone like me who needs a plan set in place to execute anything, starting out small may help. When I find myself rushing to do everyday things like taking a shower or eating a meal, I slow down, especially if my partner is present to help with the load. And if my son demands I play with him during those times, instead of scarfing my sandwich down in two seconds, I remind myself it’s OK to make him wait.
Scheduling solo time is also helpful and more predictable. It also gives me something to look forward to. My husband and I share a calendar. Anytime I need a couple of hours to set aside in the day, like for a girls’ night out, I schedule it so we’re both on the same page. Then we can plan accordingly, like timing bath and dinner time.
Letting go and owning the time to myself
OK—another admission—letting go of control is hard for me, but it’s actually the best thing I’ve done for me and my husband. How I do bath time is different from how my husband does it, and that’s alright. At the end of the day, we both can agree that our kids are clean.
Me learning to let go has made him a more confident dad because I’m not constantly peering down to see if he did something ‘my way.’ He’s able to find his groove with how to manage the kids—and for me? I can comfortably leave without worrying if he’s ‘got it’ or not. In return, I’m able to enjoy the time to myself.
Taking free time makes me a better mom
It isn’t true that in order to be a ‘good’ mom, I have to be selfless. Enjoying time away from my family is not being selfish. Setting aside the time allows me to be more present with my family and enjoy my time with them when I return. According to the Mayo Clinic, “small acts of self-care or self-kindness can go a long way in decreasing the feelings of exhaustion, burnout, stress, and even depression that busy mothers often feel.”
My self-care isn’t always the same. On some days, I prioritize reading, sleeping (my favorite one), exercising, or listening to a favorite podcast. Getting some fresh air or taking a 15-minute walk also resets my mood quickly.
I think it’s also important for my kids to see that I’m allowed to have a break. I tell my son all the time when he’s frustrated with a puzzle to take a breather and come back. The same goes for me. Modeling it and allowing him to see me practice my own advice shows him that I’m human, too.
Prioritizing myself
Giving myself alone time and making the effort to do it is an investment. It didn’t come naturally at first, and prioritizing myself takes practice. I’m still practicing. I take it in small increments if I have to. Overall, I’m less irritable, I’m more present for my family, and I feel happier and recharged.
My last confession—I’m no longer jealous of my husband’s free time. How do you make free time for yourself, or how do you wish to do this in the future?
Patty Schepel, Editorial Intern
As the editorial intern, Patty works with The Everymom’s team on pitches, creating original articles, updating existing content, photo sourcing, writing shopping product descriptions, inputting freelance articles, and more. When she’s not working, you can find her spending time with her family, training for half marathons—she ran one 16 weeks pregnant—traveling, cooking, reading a rom-com, and keeping her sourdough starter, Rose, alive.