"Before becoming a mother, I heard all the sayingsâYou wonât ever feel like yourself again! Get ready to give up your freedom! Say sayonara to âmeâ time!âand I believed the parents telling me such things. I mean, they had firsthand experience, right? I, on the other hand, had no clue what I was getting into. But those conversations left me bummed out, overwhelmed, and, honestly, a little bit afraid of parenthood.
Then I had my son, Ezra, and while those initial months with a newborn were equal parts awe and anxiety, I also realized motherhood wasnât one-size-fits-all. Welcoming a child into our lives, and our family, meant major logistical, emotional, financial, and practical adjustments… but not everything changed.
During my maternity leave, my husband and I still grabbed a beer at happy hourâalbeit while babywearing. And after trudging through postpartum depression and returning to work, I finally felt like a version of the woman I used to know. Then after I began to carve out little moments to write, go to yoga, and meet up with friends regularly, I found myself to be a better mom, partner, and person in general.
I heard moms around me wax poetic about how they never had time for themselves, as if it were a badge of exhausted honor. And I simply opted out of that line of thinking.
So why does the rhetoric around feeling guilty about âmeâ time still persist? To be sure, I only have one kid versus the demands of more children, as well as benefit from the privilege of a two-income household and a supportive spouse. But early on, I heard moms around me wax poetic about how they never had time for themselves, as if it were a badge of exhausted honor. And I simply opted out of that line of thinking.
The thing about parenting, in my opinion, is that thereâs an element of sacrifice, always and forever. There will be periods when you canât remember the last time you showered, ate or worked out. And as a mom, those moments when you cannot devote any time to yourself are real and frequentâwhen your kid is puking or screaming his head off in the grocery store parking lot (true stories!). So when you do have short openings to practice self-care, consider it an investment for future you.
Basically, I donât think thereâs a need to, like, overdo it on the mother martyr front. Even if it seems like youâll get a prize for being a âgoodâ mom by being at the beck and call of your little one, the reality is, youâll also end up completely spent, wondering when your gold medal will show up. Instead, please believe me when I say you haveâand you deserveâfive, 10 or 20 minutes to yourself most days to refill your tank, sans guilt.
Below, we’re sharing 10 moments of “me time” parents of newborns should prioritize during this transitional time.
1. Going anywhere… alone
My son is 2 years old now, and I will still occasionally go to Target by myself and spend the first few minutes walking around the store just thinking about how quiet it is, and how heavenly it feels to browse unhurried. I donât even have to buy anything! I can try on five things and put them all back! Nobody is tugging at my hand or pulling all the fruit snacks off the shelf or racing down the aisle! Literally, anywhere you go by yourself as a new mom feels like an utter luxury, so donât be afraid to hit up errands alone.
2. Enjoying a few interrupted sips of coffee or wine
When you have a tiny infant requesting your attention at all times, you end up, um, distracted. I remember heating up a single cup of coffee at least four times in a two-hour period one early morning, before throwing in the towel and switching to iced coffee. Or the second weâd lay the baby down for bedtime, Iâd be juuuuuust about to relish in a freshly poured pinot noir with my husband on the couch, only to jump up at the sound of cries on the monitor. Such is life with a newborn, and thatâs why those times when you do have five minutes to just exist as a person with your favorite beverage (or snack, as it can really be anything you love)? Glorious.
3. Watching an episode of your favorite show
Confession time: one of my favorite parts of maternity leave involved the amount of television I suddenly had permission to watch while hanging out with my baby. As much as babies are adorable and snuggly, theyâre also kind of… boring? (Yeah, I said it.) They sleep and eat and âplay,â aka flail around their little arms and legs around, and then repeat. Which makes it pretty easy to multitask when youâre with them, to some degree. (Obviously not suggesting you ditch your kid in favor of the TV!) But go ahead, sit on the floor while they do tummy time and put on a documentary that makes you feel like youâre using your brain again for something other than sleep schedules, or indulge in an entire season of The Sex Lives of College Girls.
4. Using nap time as an excuse to do nothing instead of chores
I honestly think some women (and Iâm including myself here) come up against a pocket of free time and then immediately feel overwhelmed by the number of ways that time can be spent. When my son takes a nap, I generally have this moment of: OK, heâll be down for an hour or two. Do I clean up the kitchen? I should really catch up on laundry. Ugh, look at these floors. Iâll just wipe them up real quick. And then maybe start dinner. Who left these socks here? When did the dog last get a walk? Whatâs my next freelance deadline? Before I knew it, nap time was over and I got a lot of shit done, but also am exhausted.
Now, I just sit down. Sometimes I look out the window, or I journal for a bit or watch TV or read a magazine or take a bath or make a smoothie. The point is, I try to avoid doing housework, because most of the time, it can waitâand what I most likely really need is to reset my own button. If youâre constantly waiting for a âfreeâ window after âeverything is done,â youâre gonna be waiting a while. Spoiler alert: dishes arenât going anywhere, but your sanity might be. Give yourself a break.
5. Taking a shower or bath
When I asked my mama friends what they prioritized as âmeâ time with infants, there was a unanimous winner: take a shower every single day, if possible. Itâs true; when youâre clean, and youâve had two or five minutes to stand under hot water without anyone bugging you, you feel much more capable to tackle whatever comes your way. One time on a desperate day during maternity leave, I showered with the baby in his Rock âN Play in the bathroom. It was a two-minute shower, and he started fussing midway through, but dammit, I washed my hair and consequently felt like a human again. Or do as my friend Amanda did, which was treat herself to a beer in the shower once her partner got home from work.
6. Going for a walk or run
The beauty of this one, once youâre ready to start exercising again, is that it really only takes 15-20 minutes to benefit from the natural endorphins of moving your body. You donât even have to âofficiallyâ workout; you can walk the dog around the block and call it good. For me, I put a yoga class on the calendar a few times a week; I had an hour to focus entirely on myself, and then I came back calmer, more patient and relaxed, and could better parent my son and be a good partner to my husband.
7. Scheduling a massage or weekend trip
Absolutely much more of a luxury item that requires planning and schedule coordination, but if youâre at your wits end as a new parent, and you have the means, consider giving yourself a bigger âmeâ time momentâlike a massage, facial, or adults-only weekend trip. (Note: for some moms, this choice might feel draining or stressful because it costs money and takes time, so definitely focus on what energizes you personally.) We decided to travel to Big Sur as a couple when my son was around 6 months old, and despite everyone expressing shock that we would go somewhere âso soonâ (insert eye-roll here), it was a complete breath of fresh air. And after three days of hiking, eating, and sleeping to my heartâs content, I was fully ready to return to my baby boy and be his mom at 100% capacity.
8. Buying yourself something small that you technically nonât need
Think of all the little things that delight you. For me, itâs a glossy magazine, a face mask I havenât tried before, nail polish, fresh flowers, new notepads, a cold brew coffee, and a blueberry scone. I donât âneedâ any of those things, not really, but they make me super happy. Iâm sure youâve got your own list. When youâre spending the vast majority of each day deciphering baby code and changing diapers, trust me, itâs OK to do something nice for yourself that has no practical purpose.
9. Cooking a healthy meal
Lots of moms I know mentioned missing cooking once a new baby came into the picture. I didnât have that experience (#takeoutforlife), but I can definitely understand how sustaining, literally and figuratively, it could be to make something delicious for yourself and your family. I would recommend not overcomplicating itâbut hey, if homemade gnocchi is really calling your name, I bet you can make it happen!
10. Sleeping
âSleep when the baby sleepsâ feels impossible IRL, but at the same time, I will most definitely endorse sleep as âmeâ time. Without sleep, I felt crazy; I couldnât think straight, I wanted to burst into tears at every little challenge, and I constantly picked fights my loved ones. And then every time I caught up on sleep, I woke up feeling supported by a choir of heavenly angels. PSA: SLEEP, YâALL. Or as my friend Elizabeth says, at least lay on the carpet in front of the windows where the sun comes in and pretend like you’re on a beach. Hey, whatever works.
Iâll end with a story: a couple months ago, I ran into this woman who teaches at the yoga studio where I practice. Sheâs a mom of two, an artist, and an all-around badass person, devoted to her family and her work and her community. We made small talk, and I asked how sheâd been. She said, âYou know, Iâve been thinking about making some changes in my life, maybe teaching a little less. Then I got all worked up, thinking about all the people who need me. And then I thoughtâwait, I need me.â We both started laughing, recognizing how very true that sentiment is, and how hard it can be as a woman and a mother to honor it.
