"My husband and I made the big announcement to family and friends that we were expecting, and the rush of all the questions that coincided with revealing such exciting news came pouring in. One of them being if we were going to find out the gender of our baby.
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You probably hear a lot of expecting couples toying with the idea of finding out their baby’s gender or not. Let’s first acknowledge the terms gender and sex are commonly used interchangeably when it comes to finding out if you’re having a boy or a girl. In technicality, it’s the baby’s sex we’re finding out, not the gender, but I’ll use the terms interchangeably here.
It’s one of the first pregnancy milestones you reach. But why is it such a big deal, and how do you even come to terms with going through with one or the other?
With my eldest son, being pregnant was so foreign to me. I felt overwhelmed with decisions like having to decide if we wanted to complete the first-trimester screening or which pregnancy book was the best for me to purchase. Ultimately, my husband and I opted to find out our baby’s sex. I wanted to ease my anxiety and give me a sense of control in the situation. With my second child, there was constant feedback that leaving the gender as a complete surprise was one of the best moments some parents had to look back on.
Since I had the experience of finding out the gender the first time, I wanted to know what all the hype was about in keeping it a mystery. So, you can’t decide if you want to find out the gender of your baby? Here’s what I learned doing both.
When can I find out my baby’s gender?
There are a few ways you can find out the gender. The most common one is waiting until your anatomy scan. This is typically done between 18 to 22 weeks with an ultrasound.
At 10 weeks, a noninvasive prenatal test (NIPT) is performed through a blood draw. In addition to testing for the baby’s sex, it also screens for chromosomal abnormalities and Down syndrome.
A chorionic villus sampling (CVS) test is completed between 10 to 13 weeks. This genetic test screens for Down syndrome and other genetic disorders.
Amniocentesis is a procedure that can be completed between 15 to 18 weeks of your pregnancy. This test is performed depending on multiple factors, like a higher risk of genetic diseases and other abnormal results.
Another option is to wait until the birth of your baby.
Discuss with your physician and medical team what’s best for you and if there are other options for you to consider.
Should I find out the gender of my baby?
Having done both, here are some things to consider when deciding whether to find out the sex of your baby.
Registry and clothes
Making a baby registry can be fun and time-consuming when you’re trying to narrow down items. When you know what the gender is, choosing what style and colors you want for a nursery or what clothes to select can make it easier on you. Especially if you don’t want to go gender-neutral with everything. For me, friends and family also came bearing with hand-me-downs, and I was able to quickly decide on which items to keep.
An upside to not finding out the gender is that you can focus on adding and receiving the big ticket items you need out of necessity, like the bassinet, stroller, car seat, etc. All the other smaller ticket items can be the least priority. Plus, if you plan on having more kids in the future, gender-neutral clothes are a great option in the early newborn stages.
Names and personalization
I definitely had a list compiled of baby names running in the notes section of my phone… before I even found out I was pregnant. When I knew I was going to have a boy, I felt relieved knowing I only had to focus on boy names. My husband and I compromised on a name pretty quickly. It also allowed us to nail down a middle name that sounded cohesive with the first.
When we didn’t know the gender, my husband and I were constantly spitting out baby names. It seemed harder to solidify a name because we couldn’t picture whether we were having a boy or a girl. I will add that even though it required more brain power, it was fun to romanticize the idea of having either gender.
Waiting might not be the option for you if you’re one to personalize blankets, bags, and clothes before your little one arrives.
Processing gender disappointment
I can’t fail to mention there’s always a chance your 20-week anatomy scan or blood tests could be wrong. Maybe save a name for either gender in your back pocket.
For some reason, I always thought I was going to be a girl mom. I mostly babysat girls growing up, and girls just naturally gravitate towards me. However, my husband comes from a family of all boys. He only has brothers. His oldest brother has all boys, and at the time, we already had one of our own. I had a small ounce of hope that I would be the one to break the streak. Plus, girls’ trips and shopping with a daughter were something I romanticized about in my head. Knowing the gender early on allowed me to accept not having a girl. I swiftly pivoted to the idea of having a boy.
When my husband and I decided we weren’t having any more children, it meant it was my last chance to have a girl. I knew I had to come to terms with and acknowledge the ounce of gender disappointment I could possibly have. The difference with not knowing the gender was that I had to simmer on it for nine months. In the reality of it all, I can still do all sorts of other mom-and-son things with my boys. It will just look different than I originally imagined.
Another thing to consider if you aren’t finding out the gender—out of precaution, it’s safe to constantly remind your medical staff that the gender is a surprise so no one slips up with what you’re having.
Connecting with baby during pregnancy
The biggest difference for me was the connection I had with both of my sons while I was pregnant. Because I knew the gender of my eldest, it was easy for me to talk to my stomach using his name. I gave him this persona, so when I gave birth, I felt like I already knew him. I actually found that I spoke directly to my stomach less when I didn’t know.
Not knowing my baby’s gender was such a mystery to me. I felt like it was a pregnancy rendition of Love is Blind. I spoke to this itty bitty human for months without knowing a single thing about him. But I finally understood what all the hype was about. When my doctor announced, “It’s a boy,” I was overcome with emotions—I mean, uncontrollable bawling. It was like I was simultaneously reflecting on my pregnancy journey and closing a chapter. I was finally able to move on to the next stage of finally getting to know him.
Both experiences were fun, and I don’t think I would do anything differently. I can’t say I favor one or the other because every pregnancy is so different. This decision isn’t one size fits all. Maybe you’ll do what I did, or maybe you’ll stick to one or the other. I wonder what my decision would be in the case that my husband and I suddenly decide to have another baby. Whatever you choose will be what’s best for you.
Patty Schepel, Editorial Intern
As the editorial intern, Patty works with The Everymom’s team on pitches, creating original articles, updating existing content, photo sourcing, writing shopping product descriptions, inputting freelance articles, and more. When she’s not working, you can find her spending time with her family, training for half marathons—she ran one 16 weeks pregnant—traveling, cooking, reading a rom-com, and keeping her sourdough starter, Rose, alive.