Friendship has always been difficult for me. In elementary school, I was the kid who sat by herself at the back of the bus. In high school, I found more comfort eating lunch in my favorite teacher’s classroom than in the cafeteria. And even though I formed more relationships in college, I still felt like a bit of an outsider as I watched what seemed like everyone else going out with their friends while I stayed in my dorm on a Saturday night. Now, as a 30-something mom of two, I can count the number of friends I feel like I have on one hand.
While incredibly difficult at the time, many of us have stories of feeling bullied or excluded, for various reasons. However, by the time I reached my 20s, I expected my friendship circumstances to drastically change. I envisioned friendships in my 20s to resemble the shows FRIENDS or Girlfriends—a core group of people I spent most of my free time with as we navigated young adulthood together. So, when the friendships weren’t friendship-ing how I expected them to, I felt like something was wrong with me. How did everyone else seem to have that community thing figured out while I was still grappling with loneliness and isolation? Why couldn’t I simply make friends?
It turns out, perception is not always reality. While I may have felt like the only one who couldn’t make friends as a young adult, recent data suggests otherwise. Call it the ‘friendship recession,’ or the ‘loneliness epidemic,’ but socialization has been steadily declining for the past two decades.
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The Friendship Recession Is Real—and Measurable
It’s true—Americans of all ages spend less time socializing in person than two decades ago. However, young adults (ages 15-24) are most affected by this decline—time spent in-person with friends has reduced by nearly 70% over almost two decades.
And while most of the recent conversions surrounding a loneliness epidemic often point to social media and the pandemic as causing factors, data suggests friendship was already decreasing well before smartphones went mainstream, and that the pandemic simply accelerated a pre-existing trend.
So, what gives? And is this our new permanent reality?
Friendship was declining before smartphones
Typically, when we think about a decline in in-person connection, we jump to blaming smartphones. Everything is online now, and it can be easier to reach for a phone when you need your social cup filled. Before you know it, you’ve spent hours scrolling, sending videos that have you cackling to some friends you probably haven’t seen in person for quite some time.
We can’t deny that smartphones and social media have become a primary source of connectivity. But structural differences within society, like less civic engagement, increased suburban sprawl, and other factors, had already begun changing the narrative for friendship before smartphones and social media accelerated the shift. In an interview with the BBC, journalist Derek Thompson described the decline in socializing as a “recession on top of a recession. We were already seeing a retreat from the physical world, a retreat from social capital, and from socializing in the second half of the 20th century.”
The friendship decline begins in early adulthood
Most long-lasting relationships are built in early adulthood. This isn’t to say friendships can’t be formed at any time, but the friends you make in your late teens and early 20s are more likely to last and strengthen as both parties move through adulthood.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. My college friendships have withstood marriage, parenthood, relocations, and loss; we still travel to see one another and show up for life’s biggest moments. Meanwhile, many of the friendships I’ve formed in my 30s feel more circumstantial, often struggling to survive moves, changing life stages, or shifts in routine.
That said, if building friendships is hindered during those critical, early adult years, it’s even harder to make up for that deficit as you age. There are several reasons for this that mostly point to the realities of a changing society that don’t exactly make friendship easier for young adults.
Friendship used to be built into daily life
Data shows that solo living has risen in the same exact age bracket with the highest in-person social decline, and while this cannot be proven as an exact cause, the correlation is clear. More young adults are choosing to delay major life milestones than previous generations, like marriage, partnerships, and starting a family. Young adults are also more likely to shift careers, move cities, and desire living alone longer. Independence has become more culturally idealized as a milestone to achieve rather than tying the knot or planting family roots. With rising housing costs and economic instability reshaping adulthood, autonomy, privacy, and self-sufficiency have become the new standard.
When you live alone, friendship often requires more intention. Without roommates or a partner, there are fewer built-in opportunities for connection, making community something you have to actively create rather than naturally stumble into. This is especially true with the rise of remote work. While incredibly convenient—especially for parents requiring more work flexibility—you are more likely to spend your days enjoying your rent or mortgage in solitude than making the effort to leave the house to find social engagements. That’s not a bad thing, but it does make it more difficult to meet your social needs.
Historically, partnerships, active neighborhoods, multi-generational living, and in-person workplaces naturally built community. Today, many of those built-in sources of connection are less common, while independence has increasingly become the milestone young adults are encouraged to pursue.
What the Friendship Data Misses About Modern Life
The pressure to optimize everything
The data doesn’t address this, but I think it’s quite obvious. Most adults—especially young adults who are establishing their careers—live under enormous pressure to be constantly busy. There is unrelenting pressure to self-optimize every moment of your life—filling any space in your calendar with whatever will get you closer to your glow-up goals. Not only that, many of our careers have become round-the-clock obligations, as answering emails and taking calls during non-working hours has become the norm. Society has normalized a life of constant motion and exhaustion, which leaves very little room for anything that brings pleasure or feels like an exhale.
For us parents, this carries over into our kids’ lives, as stacking their calendars with sports and extracurricular activities is the new measure of parenting success. We spend more time in our cars shuffling our kids to and from, never missing a practice or game. Sure, we may socialize with other parents while standing on the sidelines of a soccer game, but is that building a lasting relationship? Maybe. Maybe, not. Yes, activities are important for our children’s development, but if we overload their calendars—and ours—we remove much of the time and space necessary to foster deep connections.
“Yes, activities are important for our children’s development, but if we overload their calendars—and ours—we remove much of the time and space necessary to foster deep connections.”
Friendship is inconvenient by nature
Let’s be real—friendship is not convenient. If you want a good friend, you have to be a good friend. And that requires you to make time to do so. That time is often inconvenient—especially as you get older and your schedule is nearly packed to the brim with responsibilities. It’s difficult to show up for the friend who just had a baby when you’re knee-deep in diapers yourself. It’s challenging to make room for social outings when you’re dealing with meltdowns on the way out the door. Yes, it’s exhausting to even answer the phone when you’ve been answering endless questions all day, or you’ve been stuck in meetings just to come home to a screaming household. There is rarely a convenient time to make time for your friends.
“It’s difficult to show up for the friend who just had a baby when you’re knee-deep in diapers yourself. It’s challenging to make room for social outings when you’re dealing with meltdowns on the way out the door.”
When society has made it so exhausting just to exist as a human, friendship often becomes one of the first priorities to go. Many of us just don’t have the energy required to be the villagers, even though we all desperately need a parenting village.
Parenthood changes the friendship equation
Now that adult milestones are being reached at differing and later stages, friendship dynamics are bound to be affected. We don’t often talk about how difficult it can be to be either the first or the last of your friends to become a parent. All of a sudden, you and your friends are at different life stages with very different needs, abilities, and schedules.
You may become a parent while your friends remain childless, or you could be the last to have a baby while your friends are already in later childhood stages. Social events become harder to schedule because bedtime routines, childcare availability, and partner schedules all have to be considered. When you and your friends are in different life stages, it can feel nearly impossible to maintain a connection. And with all of the aforementioned changing societal structures making it even harder to find, let alone afford, childcare, friendships are being squeezed right out of the cracks of our lives.
The Friendship Recession Isn’t a Personal Failure
As difficult as it is to reckon with the realities of modern friendship, it’s a slight relief to know that my experience with friendship isn’t a me-problem. It’s not a you-problem, either. So, if you find yourself on the same struggle bus, know that you aren’t alone and it’s not your fault. (Also, it’s okay if one of the main ways you keep in touch with your pals is by sharing TikToks. We’re doing what we have to do out here in these tough times.)
Life can be hard, and society has changed. As much as we want to relish in how much easier things felt in the past, this isn’t the ‘90s. (Although we can certainly bring some ‘90s elements into our modern lives.) Friendship and socialization do look different now, but we can still find ways to foster connection even during a friendship recession.
That might look like signing up for a friendship app or actually scheduling that coffee date with the other mom on the soccer field sidelines. Maybe it looks like searching for gatherings that include an activity—a natural conversation starter—like taking Mahjong lessons or joining a book club. Or perhaps you take a break from endless productivity and take a road trip to visit a friend who has relocated. It may take some creativity, but I believe we can make friendship a regular part of our lives again if we want to.
Caroline Sumlin, Contributing Writer
Caroline Sumlin is a writer, author, and content creator specializing in topics ranging from self-worth, lifestyle, wellness, motherhood, education, society, and culture. Caroline received her Bachelor of Arts degree in Journalism from Howard University in Washington, DC. Driven by her passion for freedom and justice, Caroline crafts articles that urge readers to reflect more deeply and critically about themselves, their lives, and the world around them.
