Thereâs this narrative that when you become a parent, you stop enjoying your weekend. On social media, creators post about how thereâs no point in asking a parent what they did over the weekend because, for most parents, itâs not a terribly exciting time. There are multiple Reddit threads from parents saying they dread weekends. Once you have kids, they say, your weekends are filled with multiple trips to a park, a pit stop at a kidsâ museum, maybe a zoo outing, a birthday party or two, and definitely a soccer practice… Essentially, just a string of activities that are entertaining for kids yet not necessarily fun for most parents.
But does it have to be that way? I say it doesnâtâand that it isnât this way in most parts of the world. In the United States, the culture of parenting essentially tells us that raising kids needs to involve entertaining them in explicitly kid-friendly ways and spaces constantly.
Just Because We Opted Into Parenthood, Doesn’t Mean We Opted Out of Fun
There are messages everywhere that tell us that because we opted into parenthood, itâs no longer our time to go to restaurants, board airplanes, hit up breweries, or even, according to multiple viral TikTok takes, go to⊠Costco, of all places?
The writing is all over the wall: American parenting feels colored by the idea that having kids means giving up all the things you enjoy. And as a result, parents donât really get to own their precious weekends. But Dr. Becky Kennedy sees another way. On an episode of Reshma Saujaniâs podcast, My So-Called Midlife, she drops an absolute gem: âItâs your weekend, too,â the expert declares. And itâs the message most American parents need to hear.
Even parents like Saujani, who is also the founder of Moms First. âI think about this past weekend. Everything I did, I did for my kids,â says Saujani. Itâs a relatable admission, but Dr. Becky calls this out as one of the reasons parents are so exhausted and resentful.Â
What We Lose When We Focus Only On Our Kids’ Enjoyment
Intensive parenting doesnât just create burnt-out, emotionally depleted parents, though. It also creates entitled children who think the whole world is built for their enjoyment, says Dr. Becky on the episode (which is, all around, a must-listen).
“Intensive parenting doesnât just create burnt-out, emotionally depleted parents… It also creates entitled children who think the whole world is built for their enjoyment.”
Listen, no one is saying weekends ought to be as relaxing or as exciting as they were in your pre-kids life. The bar for what is considered âfunâ can certainly change. There likely wonât be late nights out or full days spent blowing through a new show at rapid speed.Â
But squeezing in personal timeâor, my preference, engaging in activities that are fun for all family members rather than just the kidsâis important. Yes, even when youâre squarely in the most demanding season of parenting.
That can mean going out to your beloved brunch spot with your kids in tow. It can mean inviting friends over and letting the kids play while the adults catch up. It can mean watching a movie thatâs appropriate for kids but also enjoyable for parents (may I suggest The Parent Trap?). Or, it can mean hiring a babysitter so you can squeeze in a date night or having your partner parent while you get a massage. Ultimately, being parents on the weekend can be about what you enjoy.
Society is Quick to Judge Parents Who Prioritize Their Personal Time
The point is, becoming a mother doesnât have to mean giving up the right to do the things you like doing. The mommy martyr standard doesnât do you, your partner, or your kids any favors. Still, itâs a deeply rooted cultural narrative that can be incredibly difficult to escape from underneath⊠especially when the rest of the world criticizes mothers who dare nurture their own needs.
See, for example, economist and ParentData CEO Emily Oster, who recently shared that she doesnât attend kidsâ birthday parties⊠and received a lot of flak for her stance.
âItâs not that Iâm categorically opposed to the concept of a birthday party⊠But if the birthday party is Sunday morning, which is a time we like to go hiking or do other stuff together, itâs just no,â says Oster on an episode of the We Met at Acme podcast. âWe decided [family time] was important, and this other thing was less important.â
Critics call out Oster for being inflexible, for not nurturing the community of children around her by attending their parties. And those critics have a point: Attending birthday parties is a way we can support other kids in our communities. But the criticism is also rooted in this idea that parents donât get to call any of the shots when it comes to how they spend their weekends.
Drop-Off Birthday Parties Aren’t Always Community Builders
And they also miss a big piece of the conversation here: In the United States, kids’ birthday parties donât feel like community events. In many other cultures, including my own Indian community, kidsâ birthday parties are family events where parents are welcomed as guests and encouraged to enjoy themselves, too. But here? Thatâs not the case. Instead, parents stand on the sidelines or are requested to drop their kids off and leave. And itâs just another message we send American parents to tell them that their enjoyment really doesn’t matter.
Making time for the things you like doing as a parent shouldnât feel this hardâbut it does, both emotionally and logistically.
The Barriers to Finding Weekend Time for Yourself
Simply finding the time for everything is the first challenge, especially when we live in a world that tells us we need to have our kids play all the sports and do all the activities. And thatâs why Osterâs stance, though perhaps more rigid than it needs to be, makes sense. Most families donât have enough time to spend as a unit, and fitting that family time in on weekends matters. Of course, that leaves little time for community and personal time, but parenting is an exercise in constantly prioritizing and reprioritizing.
And then thereâs the issue of kids not being welcome in public places, plus all the other systemic issues parents face. For example, I can tell you going out on a date with your partner can fill your cup, but I canât make childcare affordable.
Sure, I can also tell you that going out to dinner with your family, as I do, is a great way to reclaim your weekend enjoyment, but I canât fix the issue of our societal intolerance for kids acting like⊠well, kids. I can tell you that you should finally crack open that book youâve been meaning to read, but I canât magically supply you with additional hours. I can tell you that you should just book the damn girlsâ trip, but I canât magically undo all the years of conditioning that tell you itâs selfish to leave your partner with the full parenting load for a few nights.
Final Thoughts for Parents Wanting to Reclaim Their Weekend
But what I can do is leave you with Dr. Beckyâs wise words. Because a reframe wonât change everything, but it is a start. Maybe itâs the permission you need to finally ask yourself, âWhat do I want to do this weekend?â Maybe thatâs a question you havenât asked yourself in years.
But itâs an answer worth seeking⊠and pursuing. Even if itâs not exactly what your children want.
Zara Hanawalt, Contributing Writer
Zara is a twin mom and freelance journalist with over a decade of experience covering parenting, women’s health, and culture. In addition to The Everymom, she’s written for outlets like Vogue, Marie Claire, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Parents, Shape, Motherly, The New York Times for Kids, What to Expect, and many others. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, cooking, travel, watching TV, and trying new restaurants.
