"A quick Google search will show you there are numerous, although at times conflicting, ways to be “healthy.” So many ways that sometimes it seems even health experts can’t agree. But I bet if you asked most healthcare providers, they would agree they went into their profession to help people—myself included.
we put it to the test, and it really does live up to the hype 👀
However, after years of education and professional practice as a registered dietitian, I’ve learned that while I believe it is everyone’s right to have access to the knowledge and resources they need to be healthy, they are not obligated to choose health. And in that same vein, we don’t all have to choose health in the same way.
So, what happens when someone so close to you, like your partner, chooses health differently than you? Well, in my experience, like many differences in opinion, you can co-exist and thrive with open communication and intentional boundaries. The conversations aren’t always easy, but they are always worth it.
Keep reading to learn exactly how to deal when you and your partner have different health goals.
Learn each other’s definition of health
To start, I always recommend the clients I work with learn, and I mean really learn, each other’s definition of health. Ask questions such as “What does being healthy mean to you?” or “When do you feel your best?” I’ve found the answers may include topics such as physical activity, food and nutrition, sleep, mental health, and stress management. But health can also mean simply being free of illness. Talk through the answers until you reach a point of understanding, and remember that all answers are valid.
Set appropriate boundaries
After you’ve come to understand each other’s definition of health, you can begin to discuss each other’s health goals and priorities. Once those are set, come up with a plan to help you both work toward what’s important to you. I’ve heard from many mom friends that they often negotiate with their partner to prioritize time for physical activity. For example, one friend squeezes in a weekly yoga class while her partner takes charge of making dinner that night.
Talk through family health priorities
One of the challenges of having different health goals than your partner is navigating how those differing views affect your family—something I’ve experienced firsthand. While I know my husband and I both want what’s best for our children, we can at times disagree on what best is. Through open conversations and a bit of compromise, we identified our family’s health values as cooking most meals at home, prioritizing sleep, and incorporating as much outdoor time as we can.
Depending on your lifestyle, choose one or two goals for your family and make a plan to achieve them. It’s worth noting, it can be helpful to work with your pediatrician or another child health expert to provide evidence-based advice. Including a neutral third-party can help when it comes to reaching meaningful compromise.
Keep communication open
I’d file this one under generally good relationship advice, but keep the lines of communication open in terms of health. Goals and priorities may change, and that’s OK. Listen to each other’s wins and challenges and ask questions. Being a dietitian, I field a lot of nutrition questions from my partner—and I’m happy to answer them! It’s a bonus when he applies what he learns, but even if he didn’t, it’s still meaningful that he takes interest in my health priorities. So do your best to listen to each other and learn from each other. Who knows—you may find you have more common ground than previously thought.
Know it isn’t always the right time for change
A dietitian friend once told me, it’s not always the right time for change, and those words have stuck with me in both a personal and professional capacity. People are dynamic beings, and while we may want to make change, it isn’t always possible in the present moment. Keep this in mind as you discuss health goals with your partner (or think about your own!).
Perhaps you have a newborn, and getting eight hours of uninterrupted sleep is not likely to happen. Or maybe your partner is in a stressful season at work, and they don’t have the extra energy to work out after the kids go to bed. This isn’t to say we should remain stagnant; little actions can still add up to big results, but being understanding of life’s other demands goes a long way.
Realize you can still be a support system
Partnerships require give and take to make them work. That’s just a fact. And so it is possible to support each other’s health goals even if they aren’t the same as your own. You can help protect your partner’s morning walks by getting the kids ready for school, and they can help you eat more vegetables by buying them when they do the weekly grocery shopping. Whatever health ends up looking like in your home, what’s most important is that you are both given the space to choose what is best for you. All the rest will come together with open communication, a smart game plan, and unwavering support.
Dana Peters, R.D.
Dana is a writer and registered dietitian specializing in family and kids nutrition living in the Chicago suburbs. From healthy family eating to reliable baby gear to wellness for moms, she has covered it all. She is mom to Charlie and Eva, a wannabe baker, and a farmer’s market enthusiast.