The off-putting comments on motherhood started long before I ever thought about becoming a mother. At the time, I was a happily single woman in Manhattan. I loved my job, my apartment, and the life I had built after nearly a decade of confusion about my career. Just when I finally felt like I was no longer “behind,” I discovered there was something else I was apparently supposed to be catching up on: having kids.
One of my friends from college had recently gotten married, and even though we lived on opposite coasts, it didn’t affect our friendship. But soon after, she became pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl. That’s when the unsolicited text messages started:
“NYC is not good for kids. No space,” along with, “You’ve got too much time on your hands.”
Comments like these are some of the many that I wish my friends would stop telling me about motherhood.
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The unsolicited commentary isn’t helpful
When I later got engaged and married, almost immediately came the question: “When are you going to have kids?” I didn’t even know where we were going for our honeymoon yet. I remember wondering, “What’s the rush, and am I missing something?”
The question, along with the earlier unsolicited messages, felt less like genuine curiosity or advice and more like commentary on where I was in my life and how I was choosing to live it. I wish I had only experienced this with one friend, but it’s not just her. Over the past nine years of marriage without children, I’ve heard countless variations of the same commentary—from friends, in conversation, over text, or sliding into my DMs.
Not once did I find any of the commentary helpful, probably because I never asked for it in the first place. But more than anything, I wish my friends would stop framing motherhood as something to compare, critique, or prescribe. Instead, I wish they would leave space for it to look different for everyone: different choices, different timelines, different options. Not right or wrong, just different.
I’ve built a life without children
According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average age of women giving birth in the U.S. continues to rise. Women are having children later in life than ever before. I spent my 20s and early 30s building a career, moving cities and countries, and shaping a life that would have been far less common for women a generation ago.
By the time the question of motherhood entered the picture, I had built a life that I already genuinely enjoyed. So when the dominant narrative around motherhood centers almost entirely on exhaustion, sacrifice, and loss of freedom, it’s not surprising that I’ve hesitated before stepping into it.
“When the dominant narrative around motherhood centers almost entirely on exhaustion, sacrifice, and loss of freedom, it’s not surprising that I’ve hesitated before stepping into it.”
But as I started paying closer attention, I realized those warnings weren’t the only version of motherhood I could find. Over time, there were a few things I wished my friends would stop saying to someone who is still undecided about motherhood.
It’s not that I don’t want children
It’s not that I don’t want children. For a long time, it simply wasn’t something I thought about. Instead, I moved abroad, traveled, and eventually started my own business. I did everything I wanted to do when I was younger.
Now that I’ve just turned 40, as I contemplate becoming a mother at what doctors call a geriatric age, I sometimes wonder whether I would have postponed thinking about it for so long if it weren’t for all the commentary from friends with kids. The refrain tends to sound the same—everyone is exhausted, life as you know it is over, say goodbye to freedom—delivered half-jokingly, half-warningly, and almost always unsolicited:
“Travel now while you can.”
“You won’t be able to sleep in late once you have a baby.”
“Good thing you’re building your business now before having a kid.”
The comments on motherhood have distorted my view
Some of these comments may have been well-intentioned. Many mothers are simply being honest about how demanding the experience can be. But after hearing versions of the same warnings for years before I even started contemplating having kids, it started to distort my view of motherhood. The underlying narrative was always enjoy your life now, because once children arrive, that life is essentially over.
“Some of these comments may have been well-intentioned. Many mothers are simply being honest about how demanding the experience can be.”
Eventually, I found myself thinking if becoming a mother takes away so much—your freedom, your rest, even your identity—why would anyone want to do it at all? Sometimes I wonder whether my hesitation about motherhood actually belongs to me or was just a response to all these unsolicited comments. Am I actually afraid of becoming a mom because motherhood isn’t right for me, or is it because this is the only version of the story people seem to tell? And is that version even the only truth?
What I wish my friends told me about motherhood
Motherhood isn’t the end of your freedom
For years, the message I heard most often was some version of “enjoy your life now while you can.” But freedom doesn’t necessarily end when children arrive. Yes, it might become more limited and require more planning. However, I don’t want to feel discouraged about the things I still want to achieve and do.
I saw this in my own mother, who built a successful career while raising two children. When I was only a few months old, she saved up months of salary to travel to England with a friend. She has continued to pursue her own interests—from gardening to running—even now.
Motherhood didn’t erase her identity. It became one part of a much larger life, and one that she continues to enjoy now that her children are grown.
There isn’t only one way to be a mother
I made the conscious decision to look for evidence of mothers living the life that I want, instead of simply being told (unsolicitedly) about what motherhood is like. Now, my fear of possibly becoming a mother has lessened.
Motherhood can take many different shapes. Some women pause their careers. Others don’t. Some build businesses while raising young children. Others restructure their lives entirely around family. Some breastfeed. Some don’t. The list goes on.
There is no single way. Perhaps the most unhelpful thing one can do is to perpetuate the idea that their version of motherhood is the only way.
Exhaustion isn’t the entire story
When I started observing mothers, I began to see that motherhood is so multifaceted. There are mentors who run meaningful businesses while traveling with a newborn at home. Some people start completely new creative endeavors immediately after motherhood.
Sure, their lives look demanding—and filled with sleepless nights, no doubt—but they also look deeply expansive and meaningful. There’s no question that parenting can be exhausting. Anyone with young children will tell you that. But when exhaustion becomes the only story we tell others about motherhood, it’s not painting a well-rounded picture.
The most helpful advice for someone who doesn’t have kids
I still don’t know exactly what my future will look like. Maybe I will become a mother. Maybe I won’t. But what I do know is this: the stories we hear shape the lives we believe are possible.
For women who are still contemplating motherhood, the most helpful thing our friends could offer isn’t another warning about how hard it will be, whether it’s said jokingly, casually, or with the best intentions. What would be more helpful is to simply live motherhood on your own terms. One that makes room for the challenges of course, but also for the possibility that motherhood, like everything else in life, can take on many different forms. Perhaps the most helpful “advice” one can give an undecided friend is simply this: it’s your life, and you get to decide how you want it to look, with or without children.
Maggie Wu, Contributing Writer
Maggie Wu is the founder of Mother First, a platform created from a desire to explore more expansive and multifaceted perspectives on motherhood beyond the one-note narratives often shared. Through sharing postpartum care practices around the globe and interviewing mothers about their postpartum experience, it reflects her interest in creating space for perspectives she wished existed earlier—ones that see motherhood as something each woman has the freedom to define for herself.
